Office Scourge: Sitting While Using Phone

3/8/07


I should preface today’s post by saying that I really do have the easiest job on the planet, and I do genuinely like all my managers and supervisors. They are actually decent human beings and effective at their jobs. That being said, there is one minor qualm I have with a particular portion of my job.

Today I completed a mandatory, online lesson on time management and, wow, let me tell you it is just choice. If this online training were voluntary you might get something out of it, but by making it mandatory you immediately assure anyone needing the lesson is going to just complete the ridiculously easy assessments and immediately go back to surfing on Ebay.

The best part are these little play-lets you get so see dramatic conversations dealing with lesson between people in the workplace. As you might expect, the dialogue is totally natural and doesn’t seem creepy or awkward at all:

Mrs. Wolf: I have a project that I need you to take
on.

Candace: What project? I’m already working on
multiple projects that I’m not sure I can finish on time.

Mrs. Wolf: The project is not going to take as much time as the other projects
you’re working on. You many have to work a little over the weekend, but
I’m sure you can handle it.

Candace: I’m sorry, Mrs. Wolf,
but I’m sure that I cannot take on an additional project at this time. I
have already worked the past two weekends and I wasn’t planning on working this
one.

Mrs. Wolf: No, I’m sorry, Candace. I wasn’t aware
you were working so much already. I’ll assign the project to someone
else. Thank you for your honesty about your situation.

Sure, that’s probably how that would go. Leaving aside for a moment how empty that conversation would be without the word “project” (apparently this is a universe without synonyms) I find Mrs. Wolf’s reaction perhaps a little rose-tinted. If this broad is really such a C-U Next Tuesday to suggest so casually Candace cancel her weekend whoring, I have my doubts that she’d pull a 180 and accept “no thanks” without a fight. I think this is more likely:

Mrs. Wolf: Here. Do this.

Candace: But I have plans this weekend, and I’m already so busy that—

Mrs. Wolf: Listen, slave, I can get an intern in here to do your job for free,
you no-college-degree-havin’ bitch, so get to stepping or it’s the bum’s rush
for you.

Candace: Yes, ma’am. I guess now I understand why the gap between worker’s and executive’s wages has grown from 40 times in 1980 to over 400 times today*.

Okay, so maybe my scenario isn’t much more natural, but it’s a closer simulacrum of the truth.

Technology has made it a lot easier to look like you’re working when you’re actually wasting time. I know it has for me. I love the following exchange. My only hope is that Chris never commits a crime, because he’d be sprinting to the police with his verbal diarrhea of a confession.

Candace: What are you working on?

Oafish Chris: Well, actually, I’m not working on anything I’m supposed to be working on. I was trying to find some information on the Internet and got caught up looking at this site. I think I must have wasted about half an hour looking at this,
but it’s really interesting.

Butt-Into Other People’s Business Candace: Chris, you know better than to waste your time like that.

Easily Persuaded, Oafish Chris: You’re right, Candace. It’s just so easy to get carried away. I should really be more careful.

With that kind of spineless, immediate folding to anyone else’s will, this guy would be a perfect candidate for Scientology. And why is “internet” capitalized?

Here’s a tip to squeeze every ounce of down-time out of your day: Stand up while making a phone call. You shouldn’t, as some lazy fucks, “use the opportunity to make a telephone call as a break.” Yeah, ‘cause when I think “relaxing,” I think of calling Bruce in Supplies and hounding him for my weekly allotment of seven staples. “The less comfortable you are, the more you’ll stick to the point…” they say. Why not make your phone calls from our newly-installed, self-contained Mosquito Swarm Cubicle?

This is about not taking on more tasks than you can handle:

Chris: I just feel like if I tell Shawna that I need to lessen some of my
responsibilities, she might think I’m expendable.

Candace: I’m sure Shawna will understand that you think the
quality of your work is suffering. You should not be worried about being
expendable. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your honesty.

Oh, I’m sure. Because no one’s boss is unreasonable. I mean, how else would they get into a position of authority if they didn’t have well-grounded, logical and intelligent expectations and skills? It couldn’t possibly be they are friends/relations with the boss, or were promoted seemingly by finding the person with the fewest skills, could it? Nah, that only happens if you’re in the current Executive Branch of our government.

Oh, by-the-by, in the very next little example Shawna came in, fresh from having Chris vomit incompetence and self-pity all over her because his job is so hard, and asks Candace to take over. I’m beginning to think Candace is a bit of an office puppet-master, because she immediately claims to be too busy herself, and “suggests” Shawna pawn it off on heretofore unseen Suzanne. Oh yes, she claims, Suzanne is fairly rolling in free time! I couldn’t possibly take one more morsel of work, but that lazy bitch has been sleeping in the supply closet. Go get that ho-bag!







* William McDonough, head of the Public Company Accounting Oversight Board in Washington, said in an April speech that large-company CEOs in 2000 made 400 times what workers did, up from 40 times in 1980. He went on to say, “There is no economic theory, however far-fetched, which can justify that increase.” – Source: Harvard Law Programs