3/22/07
Normally when surfing the glory that is the World Wide Web I can safely ignore the fairly benign advertisements embedded into just about every web page imaginable. But every once in awhile you come across something so newt-vomit-insane there is no choice but to give it your full attention. Today I found this on a random web page:
Whoever wrote the copy on this madness is either a bona fide lunatic or a marketing genius, because I don’t know how anyone can read that and not click the link. It just sparks so many instantaneous questions: What the fuck is a Total Face Exerciser? Why would I need to exercise my face? Are there Partial Face Exercisers? How can they sell such a fantastic product for a mere $49, when clearly so many companies are passing off devices which “twist & pull the face down” and, presumably, directly off your goddamn skull?
So naturally I had to follow the yellow link road to Flex-Away Systems. This site, ladies and gentlemen, is an insignificant comic blogger’s wet dream. There seems to be no limit to what people will subject themselves to in order to keep a stranglehold on their fading youth and beauty; I recall much merriment when I happened to catch a show on MTV which spotlighted
some 20-something douchebag bodybuilder who, unhappy with his human calves, got silicone implants. Leg boobies. This product, apparently, melts away unwanted lines and wrinkles in the most ass-way possible; you put some jacked-up device into your maw for two minutes a day, and you can expect results “by the end of the second week, and will progress (not necessarily at a steady rate) for at least six months.” Just…Jesus, just take a look:
What in the bloody blue-fuck is that? I love the scientific explanation of how this device from the Spanish Inquisition works:
Yeah, you might compare your face to a piece of thread; then again you might compare elephant dung to a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, that doesn’t make it so. Who knows, maybe I’m a total prick and this face-stretcher works like gangbusters. I mean, it’s not like a company would prey on human insecurity with the promise of quick, cheap and easy beauty reformation just to make a buck.
The best part of any website is always whatever slapdash, crap-weasel layout Frank in Marketing took thirty seconds to approve, and while Flexaway Systems isn’t the worst design I’ve ever seen, it doesn’t really inspire confidence. It’s sort of the digital equivalent of the sad, sort of worn end-cap display of store brand tomato soup at Big Lots. I do like this banner, though:
Don’t they look happy? I’ve named them. From left to right that’s Peaches, Whitey, L-Train, Swizzle, Mamma Frog and Hoops. Hoops is a riot if you get a few Fuzzy Navels in him.
Normally when surfing the glory that is the World Wide Web I can safely ignore the fairly benign advertisements embedded into just about every web page imaginable. But every once in awhile you come across something so newt-vomit-insane there is no choice but to give it your full attention. Today I found this on a random web page:Why spend more on devices that twist
& pull the face down?flexawaysystem.com
Whoever wrote the copy on this madness is either a bona fide lunatic or a marketing genius, because I don’t know how anyone can read that and not click the link. It just sparks so many instantaneous questions: What the fuck is a Total Face Exerciser? Why would I need to exercise my face? Are there Partial Face Exercisers? How can they sell such a fantastic product for a mere $49, when clearly so many companies are passing off devices which “twist & pull the face down” and, presumably, directly off your goddamn skull?
So naturally I had to follow the yellow link road to Flex-Away Systems. This site, ladies and gentlemen, is an insignificant comic blogger’s wet dream. There seems to be no limit to what people will subject themselves to in order to keep a stranglehold on their fading youth and beauty; I recall much merriment when I happened to catch a show on MTV which spotlighted
some 20-something douchebag bodybuilder who, unhappy with his human calves, got silicone implants. Leg boobies. This product, apparently, melts away unwanted lines and wrinkles in the most ass-way possible; you put some jacked-up device into your maw for two minutes a day, and you can expect results “by the end of the second week, and will progress (not necessarily at a steady rate) for at least six months.” Just…Jesus, just take a look:
What in the bloody blue-fuck is that? I love the scientific explanation of how this device from the Spanish Inquisition works:"Most adults habitually use only a select few face muscles, eventually creating
an imbalance between those most and least used. You might compare this to a
thread being pulled from fabric, puckering the material as it shortens. Lengthen
the thread and the fabric lays smooth again."
Yeah, you might compare your face to a piece of thread; then again you might compare elephant dung to a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, that doesn’t make it so. Who knows, maybe I’m a total prick and this face-stretcher works like gangbusters. I mean, it’s not like a company would prey on human insecurity with the promise of quick, cheap and easy beauty reformation just to make a buck.
The best part of any website is always whatever slapdash, crap-weasel layout Frank in Marketing took thirty seconds to approve, and while Flexaway Systems isn’t the worst design I’ve ever seen, it doesn’t really inspire confidence. It’s sort of the digital equivalent of the sad, sort of worn end-cap display of store brand tomato soup at Big Lots. I do like this banner, though:
Don’t they look happy? I’ve named them. From left to right that’s Peaches, Whitey, L-Train, Swizzle, Mamma Frog and Hoops. Hoops is a riot if you get a few Fuzzy Navels in him.
They’re my runnin’ crew.
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