$30 If He’s a Mexican…

3/23/07

I saw this MySpace bulletin today:

This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that
fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine.
Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is$........" You don't have to confess your
answers, just the amount of your fine.

Most of the laundry list of “offenses” involves lewd sex acts such as banging some jailbait broad on an airplane, or smoking opium through your eyeball or something. But this one caught my attention:

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20

What the fuck? Does this strike anyone as blatantly racist? There’s no mention of other races on here with their “penalty” price tag, and I’m only left to infer that whoever composed this originally has had less than ideal dealings with our Puerto Rican brothers and sisters. I mean, it doesn’t even say “had butt-sex with a Puerto Rican,” which would be more in line with the theme if not slightly offensive to gays. But no…just…did you ever bang a dirty Puerto Rican?

Fucked up, man.

Bouncing on a boner from the P.R. isn’t quite as bad as humping in the house of Allah, it seems; church-fucking garners you a $25 fine. I only counted my fine on that score as $15, since all I did was ejaculate into a bible. Those thin pages really soak up the jism!


P.S.

Holy smokes! I thought these emails were a thing of the past, like circus freak shows or the right to privacy, but look at what I got in my inbox today!

From: Helen kolonga
Lot 125 av. des
Quais rue 7 08 BP 441
Abidjan Cote d’ivoire.

I do apologize for approaching you in such a manner, but circumstances
forced me to contact you. I was formerly a medical student of the university of
Abidjan, Cote d’ Ivoire till my parents and my only brother where killed by the
current government because my father was an opposition leader to the present
government. Before the death of my father, he has $4.5 m USD (four million,
five hundred thousand dollars.) in a domiciliary account with a bank in Côte
d'Ivoire which I am the next of kin. I humbly need your assistance in the
“following ways”:

1) To help get this money transferred to you.

2) To serve as the
guardian

3) To make an arrangement for me to come over after this money is
transferred.

4) To look for a good venture where the money will be
invested.

I am ready to compensate you for your effort in assisting
me.

You’re Sincerely,Helen.

There are no jokes I can make about this sort of thing which haven’t already been beaten into a bloody pulp. Is it a little hacky to do a post on hilarious internet scams? Perhaps. But it still makes me smile, and even a little nostalgic for the good old digital days when this sort of thing was considered shocking. I did send her a response, however:

Dear Helen,

First let me say that I are shocked and sadened by your loss. You
have mine sympathies. Of course I would likes to hepl in any ways i
can. What do I need to do? I dont mind saying any compensation would
be helpful, as my mother is needing an opperation to remove allthe tumors she
got from drinking gasoline while pregnant with me. But my real desire hear
is to help you with what seems a bad situatioin. Please let me know
what I can do.

Sincerely, Jettman