Frustrating Feces

2/26/07

I know I talk about bathroom-related material more than is probably healthy for a well-adjusted human being, but seeing as how all of us have to use the facilities at least once per day (much more if you're bulimic!) I think it's a subject with which we should all be concerned.

I don't want to seem insensitive here, but I'm going to. You know what is pretty awful? Whenever you're sitting in a stall and next door the largest human in the universe is taking a poo. I can only imagine it's Jabba the Hut in there, because that's the only explanation for the level of toxic attack coming over the stall walls. I don't know if it's that unusually rotund individuals just have odder eating habits than the rest of us and the food is having a civil war in the lower intestines, or if it's a combination of the poo and copious amounts of sweat odor, but something down there has gone bad wrong.

I don't know why this should make it worse, but I'm doubly grossed out whenever the champ in the next stall has taken the bold life choice of being a constant mouth-breather. Oh what could bring more joy to my pooping experience than to listen to (and smell!) eighteen different kinds of meat-impacted crap coming out from between hair-laden, VW-sized ass cheeks with a background soundtrack of this tower of human health wheezing like an asthmatic marathoner because his body is slowly crushing the life out of his lungs? In fact, that wheezing may actually be his lungs screaming, I'm not sure. When you're sweating from poo it might be time to check into celery sticks, partner.

I am a huge, huge prick. But speaking of sweat…

What is the story with the environment in office bathrooms? It's like some kind of bizarre biosphere which refuses to adhere to the laws of thermodynamics. Why is it that sometimes, on separate occasions in the same day, you can walk in there and it's the temperature of a meat locker, then a few hours later it has transformed into the heat, stench and humidity of a prehistoric swamp? At least the cold seems to keep the smell down while you pee (if you can find your wiener as it attempts to retreat into your body) but in the second instance it always reeks as though terrorists are pumping hot, fetid halitosis into the air conditioning vents.
What are people doing in that stall that causes the temperature to jump ten degrees and take on the dampness of a malfunctioning sauna? I can only guess that the same evil, large man is wandering into public restrooms all over the country and just shitting large portions of the Florida Everglades into the toilet via his water-cannon rectum. Horrible.

On an Unrelated Note:

I don't know what's wrong with me today, but I'm tired as all get-out. I seem to have contracted some exotic, lethargy-inducing tropical disease. Maybe it's Malaria. Clearly I've been attacked by some intrepid mosquito equipped with a winter coat and extensive travel itinerary. Either that or I'm not drinking enough whiskey, one of the two.