8/7/07
Technically I have two different blog sites; the one on MySpace and one on Blogger. They have duplicate content, and the MySpace one gets decidedly more consistent hits by a factor of about 10 or so. Really the only reason the Blogger account exists is the fact that I find the MySpace text and picture editor frustrating to the point of madness. After publishing on Blogger I can just copy and paste directly into MySpace and the formatting stays intact…mostly.
The hits on the Blogger page are wildly inconsistent and, I think, usually by accident. That is to say, I believe about 16% of the hits are from people who actually read the thing. They seem to consist entirely of either people doing an image search, or wild-ass Google searches that can’t possibly leave the seeker much satisfied with what they find. And let me tell you, some are outright hilarious. A staggering third of the searches involve looking for info on the Flexaway System. Here’s a list of the top 8 keyword searches that led folks to my blog:
1. Avril Lavigne* peeing herself – (30th Google result…yikes.) I’m not sure what precisely they were looking for, whether it be some kind of doctored photo with the Canadian weirdo engaged in golden showers or some horrible event caught by the paparazzi, but what they got was my witticism concerning Avril starring in her very own comic book.
2. Flexaway VS Facial Flex – (#1 of only 4 entries! Can you say “cornered market?) Clearly some savvy shopper was searching out the merits of one company’s product that stretches your face to supposedly remove wrinkles over another’s. I suggest using an iron.
3. Ryan Jett – (#2 result with a bullet!) Woo-Hoo! Somebody did a Google search for my name! Okay, it was probably me…I’m simply too vain to actually check the log and confirm that I’m the only one fascinated with all that is Jettman.
4. “Showing your vagina” – (a staggering #32 in Google results.) Quotes, no less! And not just “a” vagina, but “your” vagina. I like to think this is some saucy, slow-witted coed who is weighing the pros and cons of flashing her rosebud. I’m sure with the heroic amount of porn I surf I’m bound to unknowingly come across her at some point.
5. “Movie Gallery” + Missouri + Crying + Nixa – (Huh? I have no clue; it no longer comes up.) Frankly, imagining the thought process that would lead to this line of inquiry makes my butthole twitch. And the odds are (Nixa being my hometown) that I might know the person looking this up. I am truly befuddled and a little concerned.
6. “I do apologize for approaching you” – (7th result) This one might actually have been helpful to the searcher. The language is taken directly from an email sent out by “Helen Kolonga,” the fictional Ivory Coast heiress who’s imaginary parents were killed and just needs your help depositing her millions into your bank account. But out of context it sounds like something you say just before committing a sex crime.
7. “Susie Feldman” – (I have no fucking clue because after 6 pages I got tired of looking for my entry.) Susie is Corey Feldman’s wife. The only mention of her I have is in my recent polite inquiries as to whether the A&E show “The 2 Coreys” is a terrible show, or the worst show.
8. Phamaldahide corpse – Okay, I lied. This one is my favorite, not least because mine is the only link that came up when I Googled it. You would be surprised how many times people searching “phamaldahide” alone link to my blog, but to be the only one with both embalming fluid and putrefying flesh in one post? Well that just makes me warm all over. I would love to see “phamaldahide corpse” as a category on Ebay.
Of course now since I’ve posted all of these search words I’ll just get more hits from disappointed patrons searching for the above phrases. I’m hoping eventually someone will look up “Bette White” and bukkake so they can link to this blog with false hopes.
*While I will not hesitate to make fun of the odd little Canuck, I have to admit to liking her new(ish) “I Don’t Like Your Girlfriend” song. And you can’t help but respect any ditty that has surreptitiously crept into seemingly every movie and TV soundtrack due to simple, perfect lyrics and an insanely hyperactive beat. I think I realized this around the time it showed up in an episode of Big Love. Kudos, Ms. Lavigne. She’s still kind of a loony, though.
Technically I have two different blog sites; the one on MySpace and one on Blogger. They have duplicate content, and the MySpace one gets decidedly more consistent hits by a factor of about 10 or so. Really the only reason the Blogger account exists is the fact that I find the MySpace text and picture editor frustrating to the point of madness. After publishing on Blogger I can just copy and paste directly into MySpace and the formatting stays intact…mostly.
The hits on the Blogger page are wildly inconsistent and, I think, usually by accident. That is to say, I believe about 16% of the hits are from people who actually read the thing. They seem to consist entirely of either people doing an image search, or wild-ass Google searches that can’t possibly leave the seeker much satisfied with what they find. And let me tell you, some are outright hilarious. A staggering third of the searches involve looking for info on the Flexaway System. Here’s a list of the top 8 keyword searches that led folks to my blog:
1. Avril Lavigne* peeing herself – (30th Google result…yikes.) I’m not sure what precisely they were looking for, whether it be some kind of doctored photo with the Canadian weirdo engaged in golden showers or some horrible event caught by the paparazzi, but what they got was my witticism concerning Avril starring in her very own comic book.
2. Flexaway VS Facial Flex – (#1 of only 4 entries! Can you say “cornered market?) Clearly some savvy shopper was searching out the merits of one company’s product that stretches your face to supposedly remove wrinkles over another’s. I suggest using an iron.3. Ryan Jett – (#2 result with a bullet!) Woo-Hoo! Somebody did a Google search for my name! Okay, it was probably me…I’m simply too vain to actually check the log and confirm that I’m the only one fascinated with all that is Jettman.
4. “Showing your vagina” – (a staggering #32 in Google results.) Quotes, no less! And not just “a” vagina, but “your” vagina. I like to think this is some saucy, slow-witted coed who is weighing the pros and cons of flashing her rosebud. I’m sure with the heroic amount of porn I surf I’m bound to unknowingly come across her at some point.
5. “Movie Gallery” + Missouri + Crying + Nixa – (Huh? I have no clue; it no longer comes up.) Frankly, imagining the thought process that would lead to this line of inquiry makes my butthole twitch. And the odds are (Nixa being my hometown) that I might know the person looking this up. I am truly befuddled and a little concerned.
6. “I do apologize for approaching you” – (7th result) This one might actually have been helpful to the searcher. The language is taken directly from an email sent out by “Helen Kolonga,” the fictional Ivory Coast heiress who’s imaginary parents were killed and just needs your help depositing her millions into your bank account. But out of context it sounds like something you say just before committing a sex crime.7. “Susie Feldman” – (I have no fucking clue because after 6 pages I got tired of looking for my entry.) Susie is Corey Feldman’s wife. The only mention of her I have is in my recent polite inquiries as to whether the A&E show “The 2 Coreys” is a terrible show, or the worst show.
8. Phamaldahide corpse – Okay, I lied. This one is my favorite, not least because mine is the only link that came up when I Googled it. You would be surprised how many times people searching “phamaldahide” alone link to my blog, but to be the only one with both embalming fluid and putrefying flesh in one post? Well that just makes me warm all over. I would love to see “phamaldahide corpse” as a category on Ebay.Of course now since I’ve posted all of these search words I’ll just get more hits from disappointed patrons searching for the above phrases. I’m hoping eventually someone will look up “Bette White” and bukkake so they can link to this blog with false hopes.
*While I will not hesitate to make fun of the odd little Canuck, I have to admit to liking her new(ish) “I Don’t Like Your Girlfriend” song. And you can’t help but respect any ditty that has surreptitiously crept into seemingly every movie and TV soundtrack due to simple, perfect lyrics and an insanely hyperactive beat. I think I realized this around the time it showed up in an episode of Big Love. Kudos, Ms. Lavigne. She’s still kind of a loony, though.
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