8/30/07
The internet has plenty of sure-fire entertainment, providing one is amiable to gutter humor, or drunk, or sort of dumb, or bored enough, or some combination of these. The magic that is CraigsList is one such site. No matter what you’re looking for on craigslist, invariably you will end up reading the categories of strange people seeking other…strange people. The romance categories are like a black hole, inexorably pulling your cursor to it as you flip through page after fluid-soaked page of the most bizarre, sort-of-frightening-to-be-living-near-them people the primordial ooze has ever spawned.
Last weekend Hanni and I found ourselves perusing the “Men Seeking Women” portion; always a gold mine of loneliness with just a hint of sweaty desperation. The prize for the saddest thing I have ever seen goes to this guy, who kind of looks like a broke-ass David Copperfield:
The internet has plenty of sure-fire entertainment, providing one is amiable to gutter humor, or drunk, or sort of dumb, or bored enough, or some combination of these. The magic that is CraigsList is one such site. No matter what you’re looking for on craigslist, invariably you will end up reading the categories of strange people seeking other…strange people. The romance categories are like a black hole, inexorably pulling your cursor to it as you flip through page after fluid-soaked page of the most bizarre, sort-of-frightening-to-be-living-near-them people the primordial ooze has ever spawned.Last weekend Hanni and I found ourselves perusing the “Men Seeking Women” portion; always a gold mine of loneliness with just a hint of sweaty desperation. The prize for the saddest thing I have ever seen goes to this guy, who kind of looks like a broke-ass David Copperfield:
This fella, Dave, we’ll call him, as most of the characters on craigslist, fancies himself a bit of a ladies man. Forgetting for the moment that if that were true he wouldn’t need craigslist, not only is Dave courteous enough to give priority to those females who provide a picture (no fatties!) but he also gives you lucky ladies a taste of his romantic flavor with a staggeringly strange bit of prose torn from the pages of Penthouse Forum. If this is any indication, the flavor of his romance is probably liver. It’s long-ish, but I just couldn’t bring myself to cut any of it. For those of you with short attention spans, I have highlighted some particularly wonderful sections in bold.
This is me and you...
The soft supple skin of her leg brushed against the torrid firmness pushing hard against the Diesel denim of my pants. It was a simple movement where she lifted her leg and strattled mine as I sat on the chair in that dimly lighted club. It was different then usual, I was not in control. The scant sighting of the soft lace of her ruffled panty, just barely covering what would be heaven to me, brushed past my cheek as she straddled me facing me on the chair. The classy so perfect way she moved almost cat like, Her eyes screamed at me to take her hips and pull them tight against that torid hard pressing persuasion of hormones.
Her legs taunt, felt warm on each side of my waist. Her hands a rapid blur pulled the belt from my jeans and undid the buttons allowing all of me to press past that pretty white ruffled honey dipped fine lace, into her tight hot wet enveloping butter sweet softness of her peach tasting heaven to me. I was bad! I didn’t wait! I came hard! I so could not help my self. She had teased me mercilessly. I clenched down hard! I gave everything to her. Each clench of mine was met with a clench of hers her eyes holding mine the whole time, taking all of me and squeezing me tight pulling every bit of my soul out of me into her. All those times I had dreamed about her, I had traced the lines of her lethal curves in my mind. It was so good! It was more then I could hope for. Her softness pressed so firmly against me her smell so inviting, God I so wanted her. The single thing running through my mind .. I am in her! I am so in her! She is letting me be in her! SHE SO ROCKS!!!
My Words if you let me, will tangle your soul and push the envelope of adventure. What do you want to explore?! Where do you want to go today!? Whose world will you rock today?!
Know in your mind that every one that gets to experience you! Your world gets a treasure that they should hold onto and cherish forever! For all those who have gotten to experience being one with you, I know deep in my heart that It would not be a moment I would easily forget nor would I toss it aside! I would cherish the moment forever as I do you in my life.
So…basically he’s describing a fantasy where he fucks a stripper. Wonderful. “I am so in her”? Ye gods, Chandler from Friends has gotten desperate. And what the shit is up with the part where he starts talking in advertising phrases? “Where do you want to go today?” That’s the Microsoft slogan circa 1995, friends and neighbors. Cruising the internet for emotionally crippled women with no self-respect I can understand, but poorly-constructed whacking literature I cannot abide. However, Dave gets the prize for Author Least Willing to Cut an Adjective with this: “…pretty white ruffled honey dipped fine lace, into her tight hot wet enveloping butter sweet softness of her peach tasting heaven to me.”Want to contact our friend here? Want to be Mrs. Creepy Copperfield? I got the hook up:
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