Jett Fumes: Thing 1 and Thing 2

7/26/07

A little something from the entertainment industry today, dear readers. If you were alive in the 80’s this is probably of interest, if only to gawk at the horror of it all. This Sunday A&E takes a break from forensic shows, (which I like) real estate shows, (which I also like) and reruns of CSI: Miami* (which is only preferable to watching strawberries mold by a few degrees) to bring you the next step in reality shows. I have no idea when this trend of ever-weirder, sadder and stupider “reality” television is going to end, but my thoughts on the genre rate just above how I feel about Michael Vick’s preferred entertainment.

This Sunday at 10 p.m. (9:00 Central!) A&E premiers The Two Coreys, a semi-reality program starring, as you’ve probably guessed, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. I say “semi” reality because apparently the Coreys are portraying caricatures of themselves, but both former child stars contend that the feelings and conversations in the show are genuine. So…there’s that.

You may remember Haim and Feldman from such hits as The Lost Boys (1987), Lucas (’86), Dream a Little Dream (’89), and, sincerely my personal favorite License to Drive (’88). Oh, and severe drug abuse. To be fair, Feldman’s decline into drug abuse was mild, lasting two years, in comparison to Haim’s whirlwind love affair with smack, crack and, I dunno, mainlining Drano. The A&E show’s premise is this: Feldman is the straight-laced, got-his-act-together fellow who lives in a huge house with his loving wife Susie. Feldman is the goofy, emotional slob who refuses to grow up and comes to live with the Feldmans for several weeks. And wacky, ratings-boosting television ensues! I guess.

I’ve seen quite a few previews for this show and I have to tell you I could only make it through five of the seven-minute preview here on the A&E page. It’s just painful to watch. I surely wish the Coreys no ill-will—they have provided me with countless hours of 80’s entertainment—but I do not believe I will be watching an infinitely more embarrassing and even less funny version of You, Me and Dupree. There is something very wrong when you have Corey Feldman playing the calm voice of reason. There are plenty of moments that make one cringe with squishy pity especially for the clearly emotional Haim: The crying jag when he learns they will not be featured in the upcoming direct-to-video The Lost Boys II: The Tribe. Or the stream-of-consciousness rant about how he has been engaged only twice, despite the fact that he names four women when counting down the list. Or the clearly-coached bit where he insults Feldman and his wife for the vegetarian meal that they cooked him for dinner.

You may ask why, if this show is so heavy not reality, why the Coreys would wish to further denigrate themselves by whoring it up for America. Because it’s a win-win for both of them. The clearly self-obsessed Feldman gets to play the reformed, mature actor who pulled himself up by his bootstraps to star in not one, but two idiotic “reality” shows, and Haim is frankly just happy to be on TV whatever the context.