7/27/07
If you’ve ever worked in an office you are most likely intimately aware of two things: Food days and “Fun” days. They usually coincide. Food days are where everybody brings, well, food, and we get to listen to all the women over the age of 35 say “Oh, I’m going to be bad!” as they go back for that third piece of double chocolate cake. I like food days, not the least because I get to show off by cooking something that makes you orgasm when you eat it. Fun days are essentially an excuse not to work by pretending to enjoy whatever activity you’ve been forced into. Ever seen Office Space? Remember that part where Lumberg says you can wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans for Luau Day or something? Yeah, it’s rather like that. To be fair, our bosses really do try to schedule fun things that the majority of people will like. The only problem with that is I am not most people, and sort of generally loathe what normal humans find enjoyable. Honestly, most of the time I’d just rather be left to work, which is saying something, since I hate work like poison.
Normally we just go into the conference room and watch a movie, but we’ve also gone out to an actual movie theatre, attended a Springfield Cardinals game (this was decidedly the worst. I did get to read uninterrupted for about 3 hours until we were eventually released) and painted and fired ceramics. That last one was pretty cool, actually. But I have now decided that I am calling in sick on these days from now on, because our next day is another movie day and…well let me just show you the selection of movies we got to choose from:
Premonition
Code Name: The Cleaner
Wild Hogs
Fuck! Man…just…FUCK! By the way, the only one of these gems that cracked a double-digit approval percentage on RottenTomatoes.com was Wild Hogs, with whopping 16% positive reviews. In case you don’t know anything about these movies (you are a charmed person, if this is the case) I will enlighten you, dear readers.
Premonition: (PG-13) 1 hr 50 mins – Sandra Bullock, the female Keanu Reeves, plays some broad who keeps flashing forward and backward in time, centering around a car accident which kills her husband…who she finds out was cheating on her. PROS: While watching it you will no longer fear the sweet release that death would bring. CONS: Watching Bullock chew the scenery for a staggering 2 hours? I’d rather be anally-raped by an angry porcupine.
Code Name: The Cleaner: (PG-13) 84 mins – The inaccurately-named Cedric The Entertainer plays some douche with amnesia who is mistaken for a secret agent, and falls ass-backwards into some government conspiracy. I think I heard that as many as three people laughed at least once while watching this piece of shit. PROS: It’s short. CONS: Not short enough.
Wild Hogs: (PG-13) 1 hr 40 mins – Dear Jesus. I can only assume the producer of this film has pictures of William H. Macy strangling a tranny hooker because that’s the only legitimate excuse for this gifted actor to costar with John Travolta, Tim Allen and Martin-fucking-Lawrence as they play aging morons who, in a moment of stupidity and mid-life crisis, decide to dress in leather and
ride around on motorcycles for awhile. You also get a soundtrack recycled from every motorcycle movie ever, and tired, hackneyed jokes laced with severe homophobia. For the kids! PROS: I’ll give you $1000 if you think of one. CONS: Fuck you, movie.
I abstained from voting for any movie out of principle. And which cinematic abortion did the fifteen-odd people on my team choose? Sigh. Wild Hogs. This is how office shootings start. “I dunno, officer, one minute we’re watching John Travolta in chaps and the next he just started blasting away!”
If you’ve ever worked in an office you are most likely intimately aware of two things: Food days and “Fun” days. They usually coincide. Food days are where everybody brings, well, food, and we get to listen to all the women over the age of 35 say “Oh, I’m going to be bad!” as they go back for that third piece of double chocolate cake. I like food days, not the least because I get to show off by cooking something that makes you orgasm when you eat it. Fun days are essentially an excuse not to work by pretending to enjoy whatever activity you’ve been forced into. Ever seen Office Space? Remember that part where Lumberg says you can wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans for Luau Day or something? Yeah, it’s rather like that. To be fair, our bosses really do try to schedule fun things that the majority of people will like. The only problem with that is I am not most people, and sort of generally loathe what normal humans find enjoyable. Honestly, most of the time I’d just rather be left to work, which is saying something, since I hate work like poison.Normally we just go into the conference room and watch a movie, but we’ve also gone out to an actual movie theatre, attended a Springfield Cardinals game (this was decidedly the worst. I did get to read uninterrupted for about 3 hours until we were eventually released) and painted and fired ceramics. That last one was pretty cool, actually. But I have now decided that I am calling in sick on these days from now on, because our next day is another movie day and…well let me just show you the selection of movies we got to choose from:
Premonition
Code Name: The Cleaner
Wild Hogs
Fuck! Man…just…FUCK! By the way, the only one of these gems that cracked a double-digit approval percentage on RottenTomatoes.com was Wild Hogs, with whopping 16% positive reviews. In case you don’t know anything about these movies (you are a charmed person, if this is the case) I will enlighten you, dear readers.
Premonition: (PG-13) 1 hr 50 mins – Sandra Bullock, the female Keanu Reeves, plays some broad who keeps flashing forward and backward in time, centering around a car accident which kills her husband…who she finds out was cheating on her. PROS: While watching it you will no longer fear the sweet release that death would bring. CONS: Watching Bullock chew the scenery for a staggering 2 hours? I’d rather be anally-raped by an angry porcupine.Code Name: The Cleaner: (PG-13) 84 mins – The inaccurately-named Cedric The Entertainer plays some douche with amnesia who is mistaken for a secret agent, and falls ass-backwards into some government conspiracy. I think I heard that as many as three people laughed at least once while watching this piece of shit. PROS: It’s short. CONS: Not short enough.Wild Hogs: (PG-13) 1 hr 40 mins – Dear Jesus. I can only assume the producer of this film has pictures of William H. Macy strangling a tranny hooker because that’s the only legitimate excuse for this gifted actor to costar with John Travolta, Tim Allen and Martin-fucking-Lawrence as they play aging morons who, in a moment of stupidity and mid-life crisis, decide to dress in leather and
ride around on motorcycles for awhile. You also get a soundtrack recycled from every motorcycle movie ever, and tired, hackneyed jokes laced with severe homophobia. For the kids! PROS: I’ll give you $1000 if you think of one. CONS: Fuck you, movie.I abstained from voting for any movie out of principle. And which cinematic abortion did the fifteen-odd people on my team choose? Sigh. Wild Hogs. This is how office shootings start. “I dunno, officer, one minute we’re watching John Travolta in chaps and the next he just started blasting away!”
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