7/18/07
I believe it was last year whenever I started doing “Douchebag of the Month,” and since have steadfastly refused to keep the promise in the title. No, I just generally prefer to forget all about the segment until some dripping nozzle of a human being comes to light, aching for me to slather him with the coveted moniker of “Douchebag.”
There are no shortage of douchebags in the sports world; guys who refer to themselves in the third person, fellas who like to pork 15 year old girls, whatever the bloody-blue-fuck is wrong with Barry Bonds, to name a few. But the great grand-daddy of ‘em all has to be Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. This tower of douchebagery was indicted yesterday in a 19-page list of charges for owning and running a dogfighting operation on land in southeastern Virginia. Vick purchased this plot for $34,000 back in 2001 when he was a rookie in the NFL. Not only that, but this steaming specimen of human excrement has also been charged with taking part (along with ridiculously-named accomplices Purnell Peace, Tony Taylor and Quanis Phillips) in the killing of 8 dogs which didn’t perform well during “testing” for fights.
The execution of the dogs was allegedly performed by drowning, electrocution, hanging, and “slamming at least one dog’s body to the ground,” according to the indictment. Vick claims he had no knowledge of “Bad Newz Kennels,” as the ring was fucking called, saying he wasn’t around the place all that much. Yeah, I suppose I probably wouldn’t notice 60-some dogs, fighting equipment, blood-stained walls and the tens of thousands of dollars paid out on losing dogs whenever I visited for the weekend, either. But hold on, it’s not about the money. I mean, after all, Vick the second-highest paid player in the goddamn league. So he’s doing this for the love of torturing and killing innocent animals to satisfy the bloodlust of human garbage. Sixty-six dogs, most of them the much-put-upon pit bulls, were confiscated by the feds whenever they raided Vicks compound of iniquity this past April.
John Goodwin, a dogfighting expert with the Humane Society said, “there have been cases in Virginia where there have been convictions and people sent to prison with far less evidence…They can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that dogfighting took place on that property.”
In a written statement the NFL said, “We will continue to closely monitor developments in the case, and to cooperate with law enforcement authorities. The activities alleged are cruel, degrading and illegal…all concerned should allow the legal process to determine the facts.” Which is basically a flaccid way of saying, “Fuck! Why would that asshole do that?! Look, we had nothing to do with it, honest! What was that asshole thinking?!”
If convicted (cross your fingers, children!) Vick and his slimy compatriots face up to 6 years in federal prison and $350,000 in fines. He doesn’t have to be convicted to face disciplinary action from the NFL, either. New, stricter guidelines on player conduct allow NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to “reprimand” Vick before the case even goes to trial. What’s the going punishment for being a complete waste of oxygen? Suspension for one season? We’ll see.
Heretofore Vick has kept his nose pretty clean, at least as far as the prostitute-loose standards of professional sports go. Vick was fined $10,000 by the NFL last season and agreed to give another ten-grand to charity for making obscene gestures at fans, and settled out of court last year with a woman alleging that Vick the Prick knowingly gave her herpes. It almost makes me nostalgic for when I was a little boy, and wanted nothing more in the world than to grow up and become an ill-tempered, rich and famous ball-playing dog-murderer who assaulted people with my various STDs.
Say it with me kids: For all these reasons and probably more, Michael Vick is our
Man, seriously, fuck that guy.
Sources: The Chicago Tribune (Chicago Sports) – Dogfighting Indictment Puts Vick, NFL Under Gun
Washington Post – Falcons’ Vick Indicted in Dogfighting Case
I believe it was last year whenever I started doing “Douchebag of the Month,” and since have steadfastly refused to keep the promise in the title. No, I just generally prefer to forget all about the segment until some dripping nozzle of a human being comes to light, aching for me to slather him with the coveted moniker of “Douchebag.”
There are no shortage of douchebags in the sports world; guys who refer to themselves in the third person, fellas who like to pork 15 year old girls, whatever the bloody-blue-fuck is wrong with Barry Bonds, to name a few. But the great grand-daddy of ‘em all has to be Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. This tower of douchebagery was indicted yesterday in a 19-page list of charges for owning and running a dogfighting operation on land in southeastern Virginia. Vick purchased this plot for $34,000 back in 2001 when he was a rookie in the NFL. Not only that, but this steaming specimen of human excrement has also been charged with taking part (along with ridiculously-named accomplices Purnell Peace, Tony Taylor and Quanis Phillips) in the killing of 8 dogs which didn’t perform well during “testing” for fights.The execution of the dogs was allegedly performed by drowning, electrocution, hanging, and “slamming at least one dog’s body to the ground,” according to the indictment. Vick claims he had no knowledge of “Bad Newz Kennels,” as the ring was fucking called, saying he wasn’t around the place all that much. Yeah, I suppose I probably wouldn’t notice 60-some dogs, fighting equipment, blood-stained walls and the tens of thousands of dollars paid out on losing dogs whenever I visited for the weekend, either. But hold on, it’s not about the money. I mean, after all, Vick the second-highest paid player in the goddamn league. So he’s doing this for the love of torturing and killing innocent animals to satisfy the bloodlust of human garbage. Sixty-six dogs, most of them the much-put-upon pit bulls, were confiscated by the feds whenever they raided Vicks compound of iniquity this past April.
John Goodwin, a dogfighting expert with the Humane Society said, “there have been cases in Virginia where there have been convictions and people sent to prison with far less evidence…They can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that dogfighting took place on that property.”In a written statement the NFL said, “We will continue to closely monitor developments in the case, and to cooperate with law enforcement authorities. The activities alleged are cruel, degrading and illegal…all concerned should allow the legal process to determine the facts.” Which is basically a flaccid way of saying, “Fuck! Why would that asshole do that?! Look, we had nothing to do with it, honest! What was that asshole thinking?!”
If convicted (cross your fingers, children!) Vick and his slimy compatriots face up to 6 years in federal prison and $350,000 in fines. He doesn’t have to be convicted to face disciplinary action from the NFL, either. New, stricter guidelines on player conduct allow NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to “reprimand” Vick before the case even goes to trial. What’s the going punishment for being a complete waste of oxygen? Suspension for one season? We’ll see.Heretofore Vick has kept his nose pretty clean, at least as far as the prostitute-loose standards of professional sports go. Vick was fined $10,000 by the NFL last season and agreed to give another ten-grand to charity for making obscene gestures at fans, and settled out of court last year with a woman alleging that Vick the Prick knowingly gave her herpes. It almost makes me nostalgic for when I was a little boy, and wanted nothing more in the world than to grow up and become an ill-tempered, rich and famous ball-playing dog-murderer who assaulted people with my various STDs.
Say it with me kids: For all these reasons and probably more, Michael Vick is our
"Douchebag of the Month."
Man, seriously, fuck that guy.
Sources: The Chicago Tribune (Chicago Sports) – Dogfighting Indictment Puts Vick, NFL Under Gun
Washington Post – Falcons’ Vick Indicted in Dogfighting Case
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