I’ve been accused of being many things. “Homosexual” would be one of the illustrious list. In fact, it’s probably #1 with a bullet. I don’t know why, I mean, just because a 7th-grader walks around with a neon green fanny pack full of hair-care products and occasionally sports skin-tight biker shorts with a matching neon stripe down the side is no reason to go questioning which team he plays for, is it? And just because the closest a high-schooler gets to a date with the opposite sex involves three pride-swallowing debacles where the girls say, in effect, “oh…oh jeez…no thanks,” is that any reason to suspect he plays for the Pink team? And just because a fella likes to lay naked on top of another greased man wearing a Viking helmet is no reason to believe that man likes the taste of semen. Okay so that last one might be, but as far as you know that never happened. Twice.
At any rate, I did manage to burst out of my forced-celibacy at the ripe old age of 20, and I’ve done it a few more times since then. Thereby safely couched in my own sexuality it bothers me not at all to be called gay. Frankly, sometimes I act fairly gay. My propensity for showing off my own nudity regardless of the sex of my audience being a prime example. Which is why I guess I can understand the message I received in my MySpace inbox yesterday:
In case that's too small for you to read, it says, simply, "LOL - WHATTA HOMO!"
The only thing that bothers me about the message is that it’s not very specific. What about me struck this possibly nude man looking lustfully into the camera in his profile picture to not only think I’m homosexual, but find the possibility so hilarious as to actually email a complete stranger about it at 2:30 in the morning? Is it my nude profile picture? Is it the fact that I state I have the musical taste of either a 14 year old girl or a gay man? Is it because scarcely a blog goes by where I don’t mention cock in some form or another? In order to get the answer to these burning questions I send my new friend a response:
What an odd thing to randomly broadcast across cyberspace. What am I to do
with this information? What universal truths can I learn about not only
myself, but about you, an odd, shirtless, terminally hairless man such as
yourself shouting homoerotic things at me?
The question becomes,
are you merely sharing your opinion that I am, indeed, a homo? Or is this
perhaps an awkward, aggressive sort of flirting to which I should be
aware? If it is the latter, while I am flattered, I should inform you that
I am married and that has really cut down on my dating lunatics obsessed with
wrestling.
Thank you ever so much for your
correspondence.
Sincerely,
Ryan
To be fair, I don’t know that he is “obsessed with wrestling,” but one of the only five pictures in his “pics” area is of some clean-shorn wrestler, so I took a guess. Check it out, if you dare.
“Rick” did actually send me a response, and I would love to tell you that he went all ape-shit crazy on my ass, spouting rampant homophobia, but alas, Rick disappointed me in that department. His response was brief, un-argumentative and fairly impossible to make fun of:
How am I supposed to mock that? Other than the fact that he repeated himself and then used the incorrect "your" instead of "you're" this just doesn't give me much to work with. Just inconsiderate, is what it is. And then, this blog just sort of peters out…
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