Scooped Again

5/29/07



Holy cats, ladies and gentlemen! You may remember the post I did last week concerning a church mass-mailing complete with “prayer handkerchief,” and it seems as though not a small number of you have received the same thing. Point of fact, that was one of our most popular posts of all time here at Jett Fumes. But I digress. The point is that when I came into work today one of my coworkers who is also a reader slapped the “Voices” section of the Springfield News Leader paper down on my desk. And what should I spy there, staring out at me in 16-point font?

Click here to read the whole article.

Sorry, Brian Lewis, "reporter," but from now on we’ll call you Johnny Come Lately, ‘cause I scooped your ass, homes! Oh, sure, Mr. Lewis’s article contains more “facts” and “quotations” and it appears he actually did some research to get to the bottom of where these mailings come from instead of just opening the envelope and writing snarky comments about it on a blog read by seven people, but still… Wait, what was my point? Oh yeah! Clearly Mr. Lewis and the News Leader can’t compete with my fierce journalistic skills. Like I always say, dear readers, if you want to know it first, Drunken Ramblings is the place to come. Besides, there are way more penis and poop jokes here than in the paper, where I counted only one, and that may have been inadvertent. Also, the “Classic News Media” don’t have my flair for dropping the F-bomb on your collective asses like fucking Dresden*, suck’a!

In closing, who’s the A-#1, super-cool mo-fo from the streets? That’s right. You say it loud, bitch.



*Less accomplished scribblers would doubtless have gone with Hiroshima or Nagasaki here, but I like to keep it loose and eclectic, my friends.


Bonus: The Killing Fields of Branson


Disclaimer: It has been said on more than one occasion that I am masculine only in the purest, anatomical sense. I will, in my defense, point out that I do have a hard-on for comic books, Transformers and Sci-fi, but these things really point to the fact that I’m just a nerd, not a man. So there you have it; Ryan Jett: Kind of a Dainty Lad. Therefore the following was very exciting to me, but as Hanni pointed out, might, in blog form, be literary narcolepsy. Tread carefully, dear readers.

What got killed in Branson this Memorial Day Weekend, you ask? High prices, that’s what! Okay, sorry, that was lame. However, Hanni and I did attend a family gathering at my uncle’s house in Kimberling City on Sunday and afterwards decided on a lark to go check out some of the shopping in Branson proper. I sort of hate shopping for clothes with the fiery passion of a thousand suns; imagine an oversized, linguistically gifted five-your-old with a smoking habit tagging along behind you and you’ve just about got what it’s like for Hanni to drag me around The GAP or American Eagle. But show me a kitchen supply store and I’m off cavorting down the aisles with a childish, giggling glee that can only be equaled by giving me a $1000 and turning me loose in a pornography warehouse.

Oneida, purveyors of all kitchen supplies such as plates, flatware and pots & pans, was having a huge-ass sale because the store is moving. We’re not talking about any paltry 25% off selected items, either, folks; no, this was 60% off EVERY-motherfucking-THING in the store. Plus and additional 20% off at least a third of the items. For those of you who failed math, that’s a staggering 80% off a huge selection of crap. Needless to say we took full advantage, getting all of the following…

Just to put this into perspective, you see those plates up there? Those were originally sold at Kohl’s for $9 each, then sold at the Oneida outlet for $5 a piece, and we ended up paying about $0.80 for each one. I’d say in all we got about $350 worth of quality booty for $85. I don’t know how long this sale is going on, or whether it was just a Memorial Day thing, but goddamn I had me a gift-gasm after that haul.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put in a tampon and eat some Rocky Road ice cream while watching Sex in the City.