With Cinco de Mayo rapidly approaching I found myself sitting on my couch with a large quantity of liquor in my hand, anxiously awaiting the coming of another holiday where I don’t have to hide my horrific alcoholism from the world. And then I got to thinking about the fact that United States citizens celebrate Cinco de Mayo at all. Well, to be fair, I was thinking about downloading midget porn, but American celebration of the fifth of May was right up there.Let me first start by saying that Cinco de Mayo is not “Mexican Independence Day.” Technically that happened on September 15th, 1810 when Mexico, following in the footsteps of its northern brethren who would soon violently annex portions of her country, declared independence from Spain. No, Cinco de Mayo is actually the celebration of a battle that took place in Puebla, Mexico on May 5th, 1862. 4000 stalwart Mexican soldiers defeated a French Napoleonic army of twice that number that had invaded their shores under shady pretense and set about extorting and ransacking the place. Not only that, but it prevented Napoleon from supplying aid to the Confederate States for at least another year during this little scuffle we Americans like to call The Civil War.
So perhaps that’s why we celebrate Cinco de Mayo here in the US of A. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding; it’s just another excuse to go downtown in slutty attire and make some bad decisions. (Or in the case of us guys, some mercifully charitable decisions.) Just like St. Patrick’s Day, New Year’s Eve, and, if you’re me, Days That Are on the Calendar, we will take just about any thinnest filament of an excuse to pour euphoric poisons down our gullets in celebration of something we couldn’t give less of a shit about. Not that I’m complaining; I love paper maché cacti and tequila shooters as much as the next hombre.No, what I’m proposing is including more region-specific celebrations in our American repertoire. What were you doing last July 14th, for example? Don’t recall? Wouldn’t it be nice to have another liquor and explosives-filled holiday hot on the heels of July 4th? I say we should start celebrating the French “Bastille Day*,” which commemorates the storming of the Bastille on July 14th, 1789; widely regarded as the symbol of French uprising to become a modern democracy. Let’s not forget, if it weren’t for our fiery little Franco friends America never could have beaten the British in the Revolution and we’d all still be speaking English. Surely we owe at least as much if not more to them the French than we do to our Mexican friends. So break out a bottle of champagne and fire up a firecracker shaped like a baguette this summer dear readers; Vive la Revolution!
Feel like being charitable to the only country in Europe still speaking to us? Well then let’s add Britain’s “Guy Fawkes Night” or “Bonfire Night” to the list! November 5th each year the limeys celebrate the fact that Catholic radical Guy Fawkes failed to blow the ever-living-shit out of King James I and Parliament with barrels of gunpowder because they were sick and tired of living under oppressive Protestant laws. You’re gonna love this one, because to celebrate the English build effigies of Guy (called, aptly, “guys”) light them on fire along with a slew of bonfires, and then launch fireworks as a “reminder of the gunpowder Guy Fawkes had hidden in the cellar of Parliament.”[1] Booze, food, explosives and flaming effigies? Where do I sign?!Here’s a good ‘un for you, “Boxing Day.” I’m sure you’ve seen it languishing there on your calendar on December 26th and thought to yourself, “I wonder what the shit that is?” Quite simply, it’s the day after Christmas, celebrated in the UK and its Commonwealths including Canada. Near as I can tell it’s just an excuse to have another day off, as the meaning behind it has been lost to history, though there are several ideas as to what it signifies.
Apparently many retail stores use it as an excuse to have Boxing Day Sales in a feverish attempt to squeeze one more dime out of the pockets of patrons, but it’s often used as kind of a second Christmas Day in order to visit other family and friends you might have missed on December 25th. I say bravo, because attempting to hit Hanni’s parent’s house, my Mom’s house and my Dad’s house all on one day leads one to sort of wish God had just left Mary’s womb the hell alone.
These are just a few examples of how we Americans could pad our holiday calendar until we’re ostensively working only eight days a year. Feel free to come up with your own excuse to imbibe spirits and behave like a marauding Viking.*Actually called “Quatorze Juillet” (“14th of July”) in France. Oddly it’s only known as “Bastille Day” in English-speaking nations.
[1] http://www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk/customs/guy/england.htm
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