7/20/06
I'd seen this one before, but in flipping channels last night I came by one of the freakiest breed of infomercial, in that it's not only openly psychotic, but also the purest example of an outright scam perpetrated on national television. By a show of hands, who has seen Kevin Trudeau hawking his demonic farce "Natural Cures They Dont Want You to Know About"?
The "they" to which our dear lunatic friend Kevin is alluding is the FDA and the big pharmaceutical companies. While I might agree that the former does not necessarily have our best interests at heart, and the latter might be comprised of soulless cash registers, I also think that Kevin could be the most insidious con-artist to grace the airwaves since Uri Gellar. Kevin would qualify as a bonafide, slathering head-case with bumper cars for brains if not for the fact that I don't think he believes one simpering word that falls from his perpetually running mouth. He knows what he's selling is b.s. and that takes him from hilarious lunatic straight into the realm of evil avarice-sprite preying upon peoples' hopes and fears and galloping desire to live forever. In short, he's a total, annoying dick.
His book claims that simply by using herbal or common, accessible treatments, one can treat or even cure ailments such as arthritis, acid reflux, PMS and even herpes and infertility. Incidentally, the cures for the above are, in order, crocodile protein peptide, apple cider vinegar, enemas, hydrogen peroxide and (this is my favorite) removing oneself from "electromagnetic chaos." In his words, Kevin has "been able to cure men of infertility by having them stop using laptop computers." Pretty much every disease you can get is caused by "nutritional deficiency," and by rendering the bodys pH level more alkaline, you can become nigh invulnerable to disease. Kevin also claims he sweats pure refined ambrosia, and his poo is made of candied apples. Okay, I made those last two up.
Kevin seems to have a disturbing preoccupation with the anus, falling back on the old favorite of colonics to bolster one's health. Wanna lose weight? Easy! Just let somebody shoot soapy water into your butthole once every two days for a month. Delightful!
Now for the fun part; what Kevin did before he found the cure to every motherfucking thing that ails the human race. He was a busy boy, it seems, and apparently it took awhile for our dear, helpful friend to find his curative niche in society. From Wikipedia, here's his rap sheet:
1990: Larceny & prison
order to deposit $80,000 in false checks, and in 1991 he pled guilty to larceny
after he had provided false information to obtain credit cards which he used for his own purposes. He spent two years in prison because of this conviction.
(Choi, 2005) Most people in opposition to Trudeau's claims point to this felony
conviction as a good reason not to trust him.
For Life, a multi-level marketing program. However, in 1996, his recruitment
practices ran afoul of the states of Illinois and Michigan, as well as the U.S.
Securities and Exchange Commission. Michigan went so far as to forbid him from
operating in the state.
Then, in 1998, he was forced to pay $500,000 in consumer redress to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), relating to six infomercials he had produced and in which the FTC determined he had made false or misleading claims. Fun!
The best part about Kevin's new scheme is that it's virtually impossible to refute his cracker-jack ideas, as he provides no proof of scientific study
and no basis for checking up on the validity of his testimonials. (Uh,
yeah...this one guy in New Jersey got better. What? Oh...you, uhm, you don't know him...)
I suppose I can understand what appeal this snake oil artist has for Americans who are constantly bombarded with drug commercials infecting your mind with imaginary ailments and a pharmaceutical community which treats its customers rather like a pusher extracting every last dollar from a crack addict, not to mention a health care system thats been terminally fucked to the point where shes hemorrhaging through her womb, but c'mon...hydrogen peroxide for herpes? Say it with me, people; "Puh-LEEEEASE!"
Kevin Trudeau, douche bag extraordinaire though he may be, is not the only one. I saw an infomercial with some other jerk claiming that something in the diet of people in Nigeria and China (a diet of poverty?) leads to them getting virtually no cases of Alzheimer's. Striking me as odd, I did some research and found that not only is the reporting of such things dodgy at best in those countries, the average life expectancy of Nigeria is 57 and 71 for China. Symptoms for the disease almost never show up until you're in your 60's, and the average age for a positive diagnosis is 80. We've found a foolproof way to avoid Alzheimer's! Croak before you get it! Buy my book!
Kevin Trudeau's best claim ever is that he's not now, nor has he ever been a doctor or medical expert which is what makes him the perfect candidate to explain all this since he's not "in the system." Wow. I've never performed a liposuction, but I've got this vacuum and some radical ideas...
Sources: Wikipedia, Kevin Trudeau
Infomercial Watch; this is a great site with a transcript of an infomercial, and examples of why he's full of shit and knows it.
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