Havana Nights

8/4/06



By now, dear readers, I'm sure you've all heard that Fidel Castro (80) is in a delicate condition. Or dead. Nobody seems to really know for sure. On July 31st of this year it was announced that Castro had "an acute intestinal crisis, with sustained bleeding" and had to be hospitalized, with provisional power turned over to his little brother Raul, a mere sapling at 75 years old. The Communist juggernaut Fidel, who has thwarted even the most stalwart attempts at assassination, has ruled over Cuba for a staggering 47 years and caused no end of grief and embarrassment to 10 US presidents. And his country makes some kick-ass cigars. In light of the current situation in that island nation, I thought it might be nice to look back on some of Fidel's greatest hits to the American leaders which have just kinda wished he would kick-off already and go to that big hand-rolling cigar factory in the sky. Enjoy.



Eisenhower: (1953-61)



March '58: US suspends arm shipments to Cuban leader Fulgencio Batista, pretty much writing him off and laying down a golden path for Castro to take over. Ike welcomes Castro at first, but soon starts thinking "Oh crap," whenever it looks like the guy really is Communist, despite his claims to the contrary

May '60: Cuba and the USSR resume a diplomatic tête-à-tête, with Cuba importing Soviet oil, which leads Ike to throw down a little economic embargo for that Havana ass. The US congratulates itself on what will surely be a quick end to Communist Cuba.

Autumn, '60: Cubans flee the country in droves, heading for US coasts and requesting the US "do something" about Fidel. In an election debate, Kennedy says he'll help; Nixon says "F-that," claiming we would lose all our friends in Latin America, be chastised in the UN, totally fail to succeed, and create an "open invitation for Mr. Khrushchev to come in," despite the fact that he was planning an invasion of Cuba anyway.

'61: We stop talking to Cuba. See how you like the silent treatment, Smell-del!


Kennedy: (1961-63)



Being more attractive and flush with bootlegging capital, Kennedy wins the presidency over the flabbier, paler and possibly baby-eating Richard Nixon. Female panties moisten around the country and Kennedy puts the Bay of Pigs invasion (planned under the Ike administration) into action.

April '61: Okay...so the Bay of Pigs invasion might not have been the best idea. The Cuban civilians dont rise up against Castro and the attack is quickly quashed. We look like assholes. Everything Nixon said would happen does.

'62: US spy planes photograph Soviet missile silos being assembled in Cuba. American government breaths a collective "oh piss!" Cuban Missile Crisis causes 12 days of international pants-wetting while the US blockades Soviet ships bound for Cuba and everyone waits to become glow-in-the-dark from atomic fallout.

October 28, '62: Khrushchev agrees to pull nukes out of Cuba; Kennedy promises not to invade Cuba again. Everyone goes back to pretending that "duck-and-cover" is of any value whatever in case of nuclear attack.


Johnson: (1963-69)



Retains Kennedy's promises not to invade, but sends hoards of CIA agents swarming into Cuba to attempt to foster civil unrest and counterrevolution.

November '66: Under the powerfully unimaginatively-named Cuban Adjustment Act, the US grants permanent residence to 123,000 refugee Cubans fleeing Fidel's beard.

Nixon: (1969-74)



Okay, so he pretty much ignores Cuba in favor of a much more sparkly and promising war in Vietnam. People grow long hair and shout a lot despite all the really excellent drugs going around.

Ford: (1974-77)



The US attempts to get a little friendlier with Castro, opening back up for a nice little chat.

November '75: Castro, being the somewhat spiky and incorrigible cuss that he is, thumbs his nose at Ford and diplomacy is cut off when Fidel sends support to the Marxist regime in Angola.


Carter: (1977-81)



In dramatic carbon-copy fashion, the genteel peanut farmer also tries to resume diplomatic relations with Cuba, only to shut them back down again when Castro sends troops to support the Soviet-backed government in Ethiopia.

April '80: Laughing all the way to the bank, Castro announces that Cuban citizens can leave for the US if they want, creating a mass-exodus of 125,000 Cubans from the port of Muriel before Carter says "Holy bejeezus, whoa there!" and sends out the Coast Guard to stem the flow. Most Cubans settle in Florida, importing Salsa dancing and crazy Spanish disco.


Reagan: (1981-89)



The Gipper, Communist-crusher extraordinaire, views Cuba as an arm of the evil "Soviet Empire."

October '83: After learning that Castro is building an airstrip in Grenada, Reagan sends US troops into the island nation. It is the first and last time American and Cuban troops tangle in a firefight.


Bush I: (1989-93)



December '91: Christmas comes early to Bush, as Soviet subsidies of $6 billion annually to Cuba dry up like a menopausal vagina.

Bush tightens the economic embargo on Castro, hoping to choke the regime to death.

October '92: Congress prohibits foreign subsidies of US companies to Cuba, along with travel to the island of the Robusto, and family remittances to Cuba. Basically, we make a valiant effort to bankrupt the country.


Clinton: (1993-2001)



August '94: Once again Castro shrugs and says "You wanna go? Dont let the door hit you on the ass on the way out," to Cuban citizens. At least 30,000 take him up on it.

February '96: Clinton, now the 3rd POTUS to try improving relations with Cuba, gets a presidential bitch-slap when crazy-ass Cuba shoots down 2 civilian planes in international airspace. 3 Americans and 1 Cuban legal resident are killed.

Clinton, calling the act "total B.S., man," again tightens the Cuban embargo with the Helms-Burton Act, cementing it into law. Castro has a nap.

November '99: In something that would get way, way too much coverage by the media and politicians, 6 year old Elian Gonzalez from Cuba is found in a raft.

June '00: We finally send the damn kid back to his dad in Cuba.


Bush II: Electric Boogaloo:(2001-current)



We ratchet-down the embargo again. Nobody believes it matters piss-all anymore, and resign themselves to the "biologic solution" which involves waiting for an old man to die.

'05: The Mojito becomes savagely popular in the states, though I would like to point out I was drinking them back in '03, thank you very effing much.

July '06: Fidel goes into the hospital and Bush (benevolent nation-builder that he is!) promises to assist in the transition to a democratic Cuba once Fidel and Raul are out of the picture, kinda coming off like that psychotic cousin waiting for grandpa to die so he can blow the inheritance on cocaine and hookers.




Thus ends our history lesson for today, ladies and gentlemen! Have a nice day; I've got some drinking to do.