In the News

8/23/06

Masked Marauders

The Pacific Northwest, long known as a main exporter of odd music, coffee and serial killers, has a new trauma on its hands. Olympia, Washington is being terrorized. By raccoons. The casualty count so far is 10 dead cats, one wounded dog and at least one bitten human who had to get rabies shots.

How pussified are the residents of Olympia? Not only are they now carrying pepper spray and iron pipes around to defend against the terrier-sized mammals, they not only had a town meeting about it, but started a raccoon watch. In my new favorite quote of all time, resident Tamara Keeton said,

“It’s a new breed. They’re urban raccoons, and they’re not afraid.”

Lock your doors! They’re urban raccoons raised on the streets with nothing to lose and a devil-may-care attitude! Holy shit that’s awesome.

In a run for longest job title, the residents have hired “nuisance wildlife control operator” Tom Brown to quell the raccoon gang problem. So far Brown has been defeated at every turn by the varmints, who I can only assume wear leather jackets, Uzis, and drop all the “g’s” off the ends of their words. In six weeks Brown has managed to trap a grand total of one raccoon. In possibly the saddest self-defense for failure, Brown says that raccoons teach each other to avoid traps.

Well what the fuck do you expect? They’re urban raccoons.

Source: A shout-out goes to Kaci for bringing this to my attention.
Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia

Osama Keen on Houston

Sudanese poet and novelist Kola Boof’s new book Diary of a Lost Girl chronicles her time spent as an unwilling mistress to the al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. What devilish information does it uncover? Apparently Osama was obsessed with Whitney Houston. But before we go judging the terrorist too harshly, let’s remember this takes place in 1996. You know, before Whitney went all crack-out insane on our asses.

Boof’s autobiography claims that star-struck bin Laden wanted to marry Whitney, but wasn’t so swift about her husband Bobby. Hey, that’s his prerogative. Boof says Osama droned on at great length about "how beautiful she [Houston] is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband - Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed."

What else fuels his engine? In between being an unaccountably psychotic murder-mastermind, Osama apparently found time to enjoy some of my favourite TV shows such as The Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver. Holy shit! I have a man-crush on Richard Dean Anderson, too! I wonder if Osama gets Stargate SG-1 in that cave of his. In retrospect, they probably shouldn’t have produced that episode where MacGyver flies an airplane into a building with a remote control made out of a pocket watch and some chicken bones.

But his true love would always be reserved for Whitney. In a bizarrely hilarious crush worthy of a masturbating teenager, Osama built his own personal shrine to the “star” of the fantastically shitty The Bodyguard.

"In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the star, as well as copies of Playboy,” said Boof. “It would soon come to the point where I was sick of hearing Whitney Houston's name."

Personally I’ve always enjoyed Bobby’s (old) music more than his wife’s, but that’s like saying I enjoy Seagram’s 7 more than being stabbed in the throat.

Those two are a friggin’ train wreck.

Source: bin Laden ‘fantasized over’ Whitney Houston

Women Equal to Men…Except in God’s Service

Proving the unfailingly fair and righteousness of a book written by men attempting to control society, The First Baptist Church of Watertown, NY, fired Sunday School teacher Mary Lambert on August 9th because the bible said so.

Lambert (pictured left) had taught at the church for a staggering 54 years of dutiful service and was dismissed like a bag of moldy tangerines by informing her that the church had taken a more literal interpretation of scripture. Her pink slip quoted the first epistle to Timothy:

“I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.”

Wow. The church’s minister, Rev. Timothy “douche-bag” LaBouf must have brass ones. I mean, that’s fucking ballsy even in loony Christian proselytizing circles, and those include Oral Roberts! The Roman Catholic Church gets around Timothy 2:12 by a kind of uncomfortable wriggling of possibly the most black-and-white command in a terminally subjective tome.

Rev. LaBouf seems to be very progressive in saying "I believe that a woman can perform any job and fulfill any responsibility that she desires to" as long as it’s not inside the walls of a big building where people go once a week just in case hell exists.

Mayor Jeffrey Graham stated "If what's said in that letter reflects the councilman's views, those are disturbing remarks in this day and age. Maybe they wouldn't have been disturbing 500 years ago, but they are now."

In what I think to be an underhanded, cowardly way of getting someone fired on a shitty technicality, the church board said there were “other issues” behind Lambert being fired, but disinclined to specify. She probably said the earth revolves around the sun or that gay people had souls or some other such blasphemy.

What a bunch of dodgy assholes.


Source: Washington Post