Fake Booze, Fake Crash, Real Douchbags

6/7/07



If you went to high school in the past twenty years or so, this subject matter should be familiar to you.

This morning I walked into the break room at work and, miracle of miracles, the TV was tuned to something other than local news or the “suck Paula Dean’s dick” show. In fact, what blazed back at me from that magic box was one of the 24-hour news shows, I can’t remember which breed specifically, but it doesn’t matter. Since we all know there isn’t really enough news to fill 24 hours, a massive chunk of what you’ll see on any one of these networks is the news equivalent of a foam packing peanut. Splashed across the screen before me was a young woman in a neck brace being ministered to by numerous EMS and paramedic workers, presumably in an effort to save her life. What could have happened? I wondered. Earthquake? Forest fire? Terrorists? Terrorist quake fire? (Those are the worst.) No, it was none of these things. It was something much, much stupider.

I was watching a demonstration of the “Every 15 Minutes” program which goes on in hundreds of high schools every year. These dramatizations, or “fuck-u-mentaries,” use real students and real emergency workers including the fire department, police and rescue personnel, to put on a little play-let of a drunk-driving accident. Students gather around and watch as “victims” in bloody makeup are pulled out of a twisted wreck and whisked off, usually one to the morgue, one to jail and one to the hospital. I remember watching one of these when I was a junior in high school, but I certainly don’t remember watching for very long. Mostly because it’s fucking fake, okay?

I get how they’re trying to raise awareness about the consequences of drunk driving, fine. I also get how this might be an effective demonstration if you have no personality or thoughts of your own and three or four frazzled IQ points just buzzing like a busted neon light inside that soft melon you call a head. Given that this describes approximately 80-90% of the population, I understand the scare tactic. If you are an undecided voter and really like NASCAR, these demonstrations are for you, my precious little darlings. And, apparently, at least something in society, whether this program or not is impossible to say, is working because drunk-driving crashes have been reduced from “every 15 minutes” back in the late 80’s, to about every 40 minutes now.

What I do have a problem with is that this story was actually treated like news. Every late spring I have to deal with the fact that I’m going to inadvertently see some story about these damn DWI productions, as if TV reporters emerge from their cocoons fresh every spring with no collective memory of what stories were covered last year. And every blasted year I get to watch a new crop of teens who will grow up to be influenced by inspirational billboards tear up on national television and say “it was a real wake up call,” and “it was just—sniff!—so real!” and “it really opens your eyes to what they go through when there is a wreck.” And then, dear readers, I have to go punch myself in the nuts for twenty minutes or so to forget the pain of being reminded that the lion’s share of new bodies being churned out of the baby-mill have so little cognitive reasoning they’ll probably drown when staring up at the sky trying to figure out where all that water is coming from when it rains.

But hey, I guess we need somebody to go to Eddie Murphy movies and buy outfits for their dogs. Now if you’ll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I think I need a martini. But not to worry, I won’t get behind the wheel. Some puppet with a band-aid on his head told me that God kills a puppy when I drink and drive, so we’re cool.