Suck My Nicotine Balls

6/18/07

As constant readers of my blog will be aware, I am supposed to quit smoking by the time Hanni and I get married on June 30th. To that end I’ve perused numerous websites offering advice and testimonials from ex-smokers. Some are quite helpful…and then there’s the Commit Lozenge site, which decided to go the other way.

The Commit program centers around these lozenges that—and this sounds delicious—slowly release nicotine as you suck on them. It’s like chew, for kids! The actual product sounds pretty good, but the good people which designed the website went about promoting it in the most ass way possible. I was hopeful when I found that this site offers a survey through which you will supposedly get customized hints and suggestions to help you quit. ‘Round about question #2, I became dubious, but I stuck it out. I mean, with such in depth quizzes as “Do You Like Smoking?” (Click one) Yes No – how could you go wrong?

Okay that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s pretty damn close. Here’s what the terrifically detailed survey of ten whole questions came up with. I have input my own helpful additions to the results in bold:

Out with friends

Look for nonsmoking activities you can enjoy with your friends, like a movie, play or concert. Keep a couple of rubber bands or paperclips to play with, and let your nonsmoking friends know you're quitting. Practice saying, "No thanks; I don't smoke," in case you are offered a cigarette.
Maybe use the rubber bands and paper clips to make like a super awesome whiskey still…like MacGyver and shit.

Bored or killing time

Find some other time-killers you enjoy, like crossword puzzles or pocket games, electronic or otherwise. Read. Get some worry beads for your hands. Or do something to energize yourself: Stretch out, take a walk or call a friend.
Masturbate. Unless you smoke while masturbating. What the hell is wrong with you, sicko?

With drinks

This is a tough one! Alcohol is not only a trigger for many smokers, it also affects your judgment and willpower. It's probably a good idea to avoid alcohol for a few weeks, or at least cut down. Try club soda, tonic water or a sugar-free soda. Ask for a straw or swizzle stick to play with.
Maybe try to stop breathing; that would probably be easier. Wear your big, pink blazer that says “Pussy” when entering a bar. And hey, look forward to drunk douchebags asking you to ferry them all around town like some gratis sobriety shuttle.

Parties or social events

This is especially tough if others are smoking and more still if alcohol is served (it can affect your judgment and willpower). This is a situation that's better to avoid for a few weeks. If you can't avoid it, confide in a nonsmoker who will be there and ask him/her to help you avoid smoking. Practice saying, "No thanks; I don't smoke," in case you are offered a cigarette.
Or just say “no thanks”; no need to be a holier-than-thou prick about it.

After lunch

Whether it's right after lunch or the mid-afternoon break, get up and go for a short walk. Stretch, and breathe deeply.
Like really, really deeply…breathing is totally radical.

Just before bed

If you look forward to a short smoking getaway, you can still enjoy those five minutes - just go a different spot, and instead of a cigarette, have a noncaffeinated herbal tea, or light some candles and unwind. If you're feeling restless, try a glass of warm milk or herbal tea to calm down.
You know, because you’re an 85 year old gay man, apparently.

Getting home

Change your routine. Think about exercising when you get home. Take the kids or pets out for a walk or bike ride. Go to a park. Do some housework or gardening. And have your drapes and upholstery cleaned right after you quit, so you can enjoy the clean smell of your smoke-free home.
Even better, take out those “just quit” frustrations by beating your kids and pets instead of smoking. Nobody is gonna believe little Johnny anyway, and Rex can’t talk. Victimless crime, my friends.

With coffee

Drink your coffee in a different place - try the living room. Use a different mug. Even better, try a different beverage, like tea.
Be British. It helps. Also, have you thought about a trendy methamphetamine habit? Don’t you want to be cool?

To relax or unwind

Learning how to relax without smoking is important. Some people find hobbies or gardening relaxing. Others may enjoy a crossword. In the evening, light some candles, turn down the lights and put on some music you enjoy. Take a relaxing bath. Or simply breathe deeply for 10 breaths, and consciously relax every part of your body.
Okay, now they’re just recycling the three ideas already listed. Seriously, you couldn’t come up with another actual category?

They did have a few helpful functions, however. The savings calculator was kinda neat; assuming I smoke 7 cigarettes a day, which I have been doing for the past several months, this would be my savings:

@ $4.32 per pack:

You will save $551.88 in one year.

You will save $46.87 in one month.

You will save $10.58 in one week.

You will save $1.51 in one day.

But the part where they really shine is the use of totally awesome expressions of geometry. The Commit Lozenge people apparently took a page from the Republican’s “How to Make Meaningless Graphs” class when developing their health benefits graph. Check it:

I guess there’s no need for quantifiers on the X or Y axis, right? Seriously, what the bloody blue-fuck is that? Who was the Karl Rovian ad-wizard that let Rainman make their graph?

I’ll keep you dear readers apprised as to how my quest for non-smoking status goes. Of course, you might find out on your own when you see the news report, “Local Blogger Stabs Man in Face For Wearing Sleeveless Shirt.” Withdraw symptoms, don’t you know. I tell you what I know, Commit Lozenges will not be part of my regimen. What a bunch of goobers.