50 Things I Hate

6/12/07

Wedding plans continue to hum along at a brisk pace, and that is at least one reason for why my postings have been somewhat lax as of late. I’m sure I’ve disappointed upwards of three people with that. I am working on a couple of blogs that I think are pretty interesting, but in the interim all I have is this shitty list of things I hate. I’m pretty sure I was in an irritated mood when writing this. They’re in no particular order and are not necessarily the worst of the breed. Some you may recognize from earlier drunken ramblings, and some are newcomers to the fold. Do you have any similar hatred boiling inside you? Let me know. Enjoy, dear readers.

1. Shaving
   
2. Rocky Mountain Jeans…these are the ones with no pockets on the butt
   
3. Movie trailers that, after watching them, you still have no fucking idea what the movie is about
   
4. Anyone who takes longer than fifteen seconds to tell me this really interesting dream they had
   
5. Other people’s baby pictures
   
6. Racists
   
7. Writing “thank you” cards
   
8. The American Health Care system
   
9. Those times I can’t figure out why the document won’t print, it just fucking won’t and then, inexplicably, it shoots out at like 3 in the morning or something
   
10. Getting up before 10 a.m.
    
11. Work in general
    
12. People who don’t believe in evolution
    
13. American willful ignorance and apathy in general
    
14. President Bush’s willful ignorance and apathy in particular
    
15. People who intentionally have incorrectly-functioning car mufflers
    
16. People at the convenience store who just can’t decide which nine different scratch-off tickets to throw their welfare money away on today
    
17. NRA stickers
    
18. Honor Student stickers
    
19. Bumper stickers in general
    
20. People who pronounce chipotle “Chi-POLE-tay”
    
21. The final episode of Seinfeld
    
22. The fact that Arrested Development got cancelled
    
23. The fact that Titus got cancelled
    
24. The fact that John Doe got cancelled
    
25. FOX’s cancellation policy in general.
    
26. Bill O’Reilly
    
27. Reality Television in general and the fact that America likes it
    
28. American Idol in particular
    
29. The sheer volume of deposed millionaire princes in Africa who need my online help
    
30. Abridged audiobooks
    
31. The fact that almost half of Americans still think Saddam had something to do with 911
    
32. Going to bed
    
33. People who forward inflammatory “factual” emails without bothering to check their validity, forcing me to reply with a vicious ass-pounding of truth and the sneaking suspicion that they ate paint chips as a kid
    
34. Tabloid magazines
    
35. Daytime network television in general
    
36. Regis & Kelly in particular
    
37. People who use the glass part of a door to push it open instead of the handle
    
38. People who use "literally" incorrectly
    
39. Talking on the phone
    
40. Paris Hilton
    
41. Mullets
    
42. Driving
    
43. Any combination of the words “Git,” “Er,” and “Done.” I hope that guy dies today
    
44. People who are going to be awfully embarrassed when 2013 rolls around and the world hasn’t ended
    
45. People who think their pets are people
    
46. People who think their kids are miracles – Little, pants-shitting miracles
    
47. People who drive SUVs, especially those god-awful Hummer monstrosities
    
48. People who pronounce “wash” with an “R” sound in the middle
    
49. The 2-party system
    
50. Michael Bay

Bonus: Historic Occurrences

6/11/07, 8:46 a.m. – On this date, I ate the worst orange of my life. Tasted like slightly damp cardboard.