Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

4/19/07

While doing a little research on gun laws for yesterday’s post, I came across quite a little gem of a website. Did you know society as we understand it is going to collapse? Like, next week, I guess? Yep, and some nut-job has a website either telling you how to survive it, or how to cause it, I can’t tell. Whatever the point of it is, you know you’re in for a wild ride when the phrase “New World Order” makes its first appearance. If you feel that this is just what has been missing in your life, by all means read all about “The Plan” here. For the rest of you I’ll just hit the high points.

This immense webpage is produced by “JAH Publications.” I can only assume that means one sweaty, delusional dufus in his mother’s basement, because I couldn’t find any mention of the author’s name. At any rate, the tagline at the top of the page is

“Defeat the New World Order and become a millionaire in less than 180 days! Author Discovers New World Order’s Achilles’ Heel!”

…and if that’s not sock-puppet hilarious I don’t know what is.

After only a few paragraphs I began to suspect this manifesto was written by a rather shoddy Motivational Speaker who just Jerry-McGuire-snapped one day and decided, “Fuck it, man. I’m going to go live in a compound; who’s coming with me?” As proof I offer you the following ball of crazy, designed to teach us a fantastic lesson about “jumping” to conclusions:

Let me give you an example of why it's important to get all of the facts before making a decision. If I promised you $5 million to jump out of an airplane
without a parachute, would you do it? If you quickly answered "no" you lost an easy $5,000,000. You see, the plane I was asking you to jump from was parked on the ground.

Oh you clever bastard, you. Yeah, I get that he’s asking us to read all his insane bullshit before making a conclusion, but this is the problem with analogies, especially motivation-related ones; they always involve some ass-circumstance that leaves you wanting to insert something sharp into the speaker. I hate to guess the convoluted series of events that would have to transpire for a millionaire to risk 5 mil on a semantic word game.

One of my favorite sentences ever:

The fact is, that all the other hotly promoted freedom techniques you may have heard about just don't work in the real world!

Tired of all those bargain-basement, bullshit freedom techniques for overthrowing the government and profiting wildly from the downfall of society? Try us! The flat-out loony humor of the sales pitch for his brand of anti-government nonsense carries on for awhile, but the deeper I got into this document the more it goes from being dismissively amusing to downright creepy and frightening. Though, still in a kind of dumb way; like reading Mein Kampf if it were written by Paris Hilton. Here’s the crux of his argument:

1. The only laws you should obey are God’s laws. “God’s laws,” of course meaning a severe perversion of Christian ideology into just being a fucking lunatic.
2. All government agents and institutions are part of the N.W.O., or “Hidden Hand,” as he calls them, and should be eliminated.
3. Don’t pay taxes.

I think the part where he calls for the murder of all legislators either by roving gangs (“enforcement units”) or individuals acting alone was when it stopped being just stupid and funny and actually got a little scary to know that some “religious” nutters actually think like this.

Legislators take and carry-out their marching orders from the Hidden Hand because they are bribed and/or threatened. They are told that if they don't pass this or that legislation, then the Hidden Hand will carry out all sorts of actions against them, including death. Our Mission is to first make these legislators MORE afraid of God and His soldiers than of the Hidden Hand, to the point where no one will even want to be a legislator anymore.

So…yeah. The author goes on to say that the Division of Family Services is actually set up to take healthy children away from their happy, God-fearing homes and place them into the evil foster care system for a nice life of abuse and raping. Oh! And the N.W.O. had Kennedy killed because he was attempting to repeal the 1913 creation of the Federal Reserve. And here’s the part where you all become millionaires:

FORCE the Federal Reserve Bank to give back the Trillions of dollars that it has stolen from the people since 1913. When divided equally, this money should make every person in America an instant millionaire.

See?! All you have to do is become a total religious whacko, cut yourself off from government including refusing to license your vehicle or pay taxes, become a nomadic murderer of “legislators” and force the US government to give you an ass-load of cash. It’s just so simple!

I could probably do a whole month’s worth of blogs about this bat-shit insanity, but I have a feeling my readership might suffer a tad. Here’s the link to this fucked up toilet of a website, in case you want to spend as much time as I did reading his insane ramblings. I don’t recommend it. The world tastes a little bitterer just for knowing this manner of ignorant evil exists.