11/13/06
The following are conversations I’ve had at work with one of the minuscule number of coworkers whom I like.
She’s Not the Brain-Damaged Type of Vegetable
Coworker: So why does your girlfriend wear that pumpkin shirt almost everyday?
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Coworker: Francine*
Me: Heh…I haven’t noticed what she’s wearing, but I assume that you get less picky with the clothes you wear the closer you get to resembling the shape of a blueberry.
*She’s talking about someone clearly not my girlfriend; name has been changed
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It’s Much Easier Than Assaulting an Adult
Coworker: I have to disagree with your blog. I really enjoyed The Island. Now I have never seen the one that you compared it to but tell me what movie that comes out now that isn’t a remake?
Me: We’re not talking about a “remake” per se. We’re talking about an unauthorized copy of someone else’s movie. It’s not similar to the other film, it is the other film. Let me put it this way, it’s more similar to the other movie than the remake of Planet of the Apes was to the original. It’s fucking rip-off.
Coworker: Well whatever it was, I liked it!
Me: Jesus. I don’t know if I can be friends with you now; that’s almost like saying you like raping babies.
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Office (Pocket) Pool
Me: What time are you going to the benefits meeting?
Coworker: I went this morning. Boring, very boring. Take a pillow.
Me: It’s alright, I’m wearing specially designed pants that allow access to my “special purpose” from inside the pockets; I’ll amuse myself somehow.
Coworker: Well that sounds fantastic. Make sure you sit in the corner.
Me: Yeah, I suppose the severance package for termination due to exposing oneself to your coworkers is pretty slim.
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The Crimson Tide Comes In
Coworker: God, this chair is so gross and dirty.
Me: Yeah, it looks like you started early this month.
About Me
- Ryan Jett
- Springfield, Missouri, United States
- I’m in my mid-30s and still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Most of my interests do not exactly come with a reasonable expectation of financial success, things such as artwork and fiction writing. I’ve been married to a delightful, attractive woman for five years, and, thankfully, neither of us wants to have children, so we can look forward to adult vacations, sleeping late, and disposable income. We do have two dogs, two chinchillas, a gerbil, and three chickens. Only the chickens seem to be pulling their weight vis-à-vis contributions to the household other than excrement.
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