Buttered Balls

11/16/06

With the holidays approaching like a commercial-laden freight train, I thought some of you out there might enjoy a few cooking tips and recipes. Remember, the more time your relatives spend cramming things into their rotund bellies the less time they’ll spend actually talking to you. So get out those stretchy pants*, put the doctor on speed-dial and hunker down, you madcap cooks out there, Jett Fumes is comin’ at’cha Thanksgiving-Style, you sum-bitch!

Some of my more faithful and veteran readers may remember that last year for Thanksgiving I was charged with making the turkey to take over to my mother’s house. As per usual with anything culinary, I couldn’t be satisfied with simply popping a gobbler in the hot box for a few hours and calling it a day, no, no. I had to make a Turducken, which is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. Read all about it here. This year I think I’m going to forgo Ultra-Mega Turkey and just go with a more traditional bird.

How Much of What Kind?

A good average for how much bird to buy is 1-1 ½ pounds per guest. Unless your guests happen to be those guys who enter professional eating contests.


Now, there are numerous different kinds of turkey. “Frozen” means that the turkey has been taken down to zero degrees F and hasn’t been brought above 26˚F. Why so cold? While water will freeze at 32˚F the fluid in meat won’t necessarily follow suit, since it contains sodium and all manner of other goodies; the more components in water the colder it has to be for it to freeze. These bad boys are rock hard, solid frozen.

“Refrigerated” turkeys are brought down to 24-26˚F, but not frozen solid. They don’t need as long for “thawing” since they’re not technically frozen. But that’s about the only difference. Both frozen or refrigerated are fine; don’t be a snob. There is a 3rd category, “Fresh”, which means the bird has never dropped below 26˚F. This one just seems like more trouble than it’s worth (bruising, contamination, escaping on foot, etc) not to mention hard to find in the first place.

Into the Briny Deep

I cannot imagine why anyone would cook a turkey without brining it. Sure, it’s one extra step, but it’s essential if you want to guarantee a flavorful, juicy bird. However, make sure you’re not using a self-basting bird for this, as it has already been injected with salt and…other stuff.

Brining can be used for any meat, but it works very well with poultry and pork which are easy to overcook but need to be brought to a significant temperature to ensure bacterial genocide. The salt in the brine creates osmosis which drags whatever flavors are in the brine into your meat, trapping them there and holding onto much more liquid whenever you finally cook that bad boy. Here’s the recipe I prefer:

1 gallon (16 cups) vegetable or chicken stock
1 gallon ice water
1 cup Kosher salt (3/4 cup regular table salt)
2 Tbsp whole black peppercorns
2 bay leaves
Several rough-chopped sprigs parsley (about 1 cup worth)

Bring all ingredients except the ice water to a boil, just to marry and release the flavors. In a 5-gallon bucket or other large container combine brine with the ice water. Add turkey. Brine in fridge or a cold area, like the garage (as close to 40˚F as you can get) for 10-12 hours, turning bird once.


You can use just plain water instead of stock for a perfectly fine and cheaper alternative, but double the amount of salt.

Fire It Up, T-Bird

Kudos to you who got The Crow, reference above, by the way. Okay, here’s the skinny on cooking that poultry prize; ignore that demonic little plastic timer. That device is set to pop at 180˚F and while that’s great for dark meat, the white meat will be something not unlike vulcanized rubber by that time. Dark meat does take longer to cook, and to compensate for that use a sheet pan with a lip (to catch drippings) and a flat roasting rack, plus a digital thermometer with a probe. The shallow pan will accelerate air over the lip of the pan and into the dark meat, cooking it faster. The thermometer probe should be inserted into the deepest part of the turkey and set for 161˚F. Yes, this will kill any salmonella bacteria lurking inside your bird.


Rub the turkey down with a polish of canola oil and stuff the cavity with a few sprigs of parsley, rosemary and sage, plus ½ of a rough-chopped onion and ½ of a lemon.

Roast the turkey at 450˚ for 30 minutes, then mold aluminum foil over the breast and return to oven, reducing the temp to 350˚. The timer should go off in about another hour and a half. Pull the bird and let it rest for at least 15 minutes before carving her up; this will give any juices floating around time to reabsorb into the meat.


The drippings from the pan can be used to make a dynamite gravy, but that’s another blog. Plus, with all the TLC you’ve put into your fowl it should be tender and juicy enough to stand on its own. Eat in good health, dear readers.



*Contrary to popular belief, the average American only gains about 1 pound over the high holidays. The trouble is most of us don’t bother to lose that pound over the next year and after mama earth makes 15-20 trips ‘round big daddy sun, that starts to add up.