Clonus Island

11/9/06


I called in sick to work on Monday and early in the afternoon found, as is often the case, there is nothing on the television at 1 in the afternoon on a weekday. Even on expanded digital cable. So what do I do? I decide to watch something I know I’ll hate if for no other reason than it might have some redeeming qualities and in the likely event that it does not, at least I can write about how badly it sucked. The Island seemed to do just fine in this respect.

I’m splitting this post up into 2 days because, well, the movie is just so kick-you-in-the-crotch awful that I have more to cover than can be conveniently crammed into 900 words. Tomorrow we’ll examine why the film is gloriously awful in its own right, but today I wish to explain why it’s a complete rip off of another movie which was bad in its own right, but cost 200 times less to produce.

This was one of those rare movies in which I actually like all of the actors (Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson specifically) and completely loathe everything else about the film. I can only assume that Ewan and Scarlett signed on before dream-killer Michael Bay was attached to direct. At least that’s what I’m telling myself so I can still enjoy their work. Without further ado, here’s why you should not see this movie and/or why you are now dumber for having watched it.

First off let me say that by virtue of the fact I am an avid fan of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, I recognized that the premise to this film was dangerously close to a 1979 film panned on MST3K called Parts: The Clonus Horror. What I assumed was a funny coincidence soon turned to stark terror when, the longer The Island went on, the more and more closely it resembled Clonus. So much so that I cannot believe the screenwriter didn’t have this movie in mind when writing The Island. I even have a hard time believing that he had seen it years ago and unknowingly was “borrowing” from it rather than sitting there with a notepad jotting down plot points. I wasn’t the only one to see the similarity, it seems, as Robert S. Fiveson, director of the awful Clonus movie sued DreamWorks when The Island came out. As of August 25th of this year a judge ruled that there was sufficient evidence (90 incidences of similarities!) for the suit to go to trial.

Sadly, I’m not nearly the first person nor the most clever in the media to point out these similarities; Premiere Magazine wrote “the first hour of “The Island” plays like a much more expensive albeit scene-for-scene remake.” I certainly hope Fiveson gets his just rewards for being totally ripped off, but I must say I have much less sympathy since I read a Variety article where he was talking about The Island and said, “honestly, I really liked it. Because this is the way the movie should have been done.” No, Robert, no it’s not. In fact, neither movie probably should have been made in the first place. They’re both ridiculously idiotic and illogical premises and-- ah, but that’s for tomorrow!

For those of you not lucky enough to have a rolodex of bad movies inside your brain, here’s a comparison of the two films:


The Island

Premise: An isolated compound in the American desert is breeding clones to be used for replacement organs for wealthy politicians.

Plot: Two clones learn of the true nature of the facility, escape, and attempt to find their “real” counterparts to blow the whistle on the secret base and shut it down, saving all the clones.

Method of Control: They keep the clones in the dark by totally controlling their environment and maintaining the clones in a state of childlike naiveté. Clones are told that one day they can “win the lottery” and go to “the island” where they’ll live in bliss. In reality this means “cut up and harvested for organs.”

Protagonist: Lincoln 6 Echo, (Ewan McGregor) tired of being told what to do/eat/think all the time, begins to question if there isn’t more to life, especially when he finds a moth that came out of an air duct from the supposedly contaminated world above.

Love Interest: Scarlett Johansson as Jordan 2 Delta; an unquestioning clone who Lincoln pals around with (the clones don’t know about sex, for…some reason) and, oddly, seems to have no qualms about being dragged along while Lincoln escapes.


The Clonus Horror

Premise: An underground desert compound is breeding clones to be used as replacement organs for politicians and the wealthy.

Plot: Exactly the same, only it’s just one clone that learns of the plot and escapes, though he does tell a female clone that he’s smitten with about the plan.

Method: The facility…uhm…yeah, that’s pretty much exactly the same, too. OH! Except instead of winning the lottery they hope one day to “go to America.” So…that’s…that’s different, right?

Protagonist: Richard, played by Timothy Donnelly, begins questioning why things are the way they are (i.e. boring and strictly regulated) especially when he finds something he’s never seen before in the form of an empty beer can while walking the grounds and being morose. Hey, it is set in Minnesota.

Love Interest: Lena (Paulette Breen) is a rather vapid, unquestioning clone who Richard hangs out with. In a more realistic reaction, I feel, she doesn’t go with Richard when he leaves and is lobotomized at the end of the film.



Some more specific similarities include the fact that the clones wear track suits in both movies and are constantly monitored by guards with earpieces. Also, both one of Richard’s friends and Jordan 2 Delta find out their going to “America” and “The Island,” respectively, immediately following an athletic event with the main character. In Clonus it’s disturbingly shirtless wrestling, and in The Island it’s what appears to be the worst imagining of virtual boxing I’ve ever seen.

Both movies have a scene where you get to see a clone duped, drugged and operated upon, and in both instances the clone wakes up during the operation. You know, just to make sure you as an audience member gets bludgeoned over the head with the fact that they’re killing human beings. And yes, that is Darren from Bewitched.

Both Lincoln 6 Echo and Richard decide, oddly, to go find their “outside world” counterparts to help them. I’m not sure what they are thinking here, as it seems any other human on the planet would be a better choice than the one that wants you around until he needs a lung or two. Oh, and both of their counterparts predictably betray them.

I didn’t notice this, but according to the agony booth: Green liquid is injected into clones in both movies to kill them, and both are covered with a translucent tarp afterwards.

Why DreamWorks would rip-off a movie that was already bad to begin with, change almost nothing about it, and attach Michael Bay to direct it just in case there were any chance of it not totally sucking ass is beyond me. I hope they get their asses handed to them for copying and releasing a very bad, bad movie. Also, Michael Bay should suck demon cock in hell. Thank you and goodnight.



Sources:
Variety
The Agony Booth
IMDB