Ask Dr. Jett

11/15/06


I randomly decided to start a piece where I pretend to be an expert on, well anything, really, and answer questions about which you probably never wondered and couldn’t give less of a shit. Enjoy!





Q: Dr. Jett, why do men have nipples? I mean, other than to make that suit from
Batman and Robin look utterly ridiculous, what purpose do they serve?


A: Yeah, what was that suit about? Creepy. Anyway, nobody can specifically tell you for
what purpose do men have nipples, but we do know why…kind of.


Prior to 14 weeks in the gestation process, all fetuses have both male and female parts. At this point either testosterone kicks in and you grow up to enjoy exploding things and embarrassing junior high erections, or it doesn’t and you get to derive pleasure from things like shoes and Thelma and Louise. Nipples are not tied either to estrogen or testosterone, specifically, and develop well before either hormone makes us male or female. Estrogen will cause them to become fully functional and grow lovely globes of fat around them called boobies that men inexplicably want to squeeze. Men still have remnants of their original hardware and in some cases, with enough estrogen, they can grow breasts and lactate.

More interestingly, we originally have several sets of nipples. Normally only 2 develop fully to have nerves and blood supply, but about 1 in 100 babies will be born with extra titties which usually resemble nothing more than a freckle or mole. Unless you’re that mutant broad from Total Recall.




Q: Dr. Jett, is my girlfriend/wife/hooker just frigid, or am I really that bad in bed?

A: Well, I’ve never met you, but couldn’t it be both? Actually, a lack of female orgasm is just about as common as popular culture would have us think.

Anorgasmia is a predominately female condition, though this may be skewed by the fact that men who can’t achieve orgasm might be a bit wary about letting other people know about it. Perhaps with some complex rig of tubes and warmed yogurt they could fake it, I dunno. According to MedlinPlus Medical Encyclopedia, a staggering number of women don’t orgasm the way they would like, “surveys…suggest between 33% and 50% of women experience orgasm infrequently or are dissatisfied with how often they reach orgasm.”

Good gravy! Primary orgasmic dysfunction (there’s a fun phrase to trot out at parties) where a woman has never gotten her rocks off affects 10%-15% of women. Anorgasmia can be a condition one has always had, or it can develop suddenly and, my guess is, quite frustratingly.

The causes vary widely. It’s been proposed that most often it’s a mental condition owing to performance anxiety or early predisposition to sex being unpleasant or painful. There are some physical causes, such as mood enhancing and antidepressant drugs such as Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and Lexipro. Hmm…suicide or don’t cum…that’s a tough call.

The bad news is that unless it has a specific physical cause it’s very difficult to pin down what’s causing it and how to fix it. The good news? A large portion of women who can’t orgasm still enjoy and get pleasure out of sex, they just can’t cross the finish line.

My guess is that I’ve unknowingly dated women with Anorgasmia exclusively.



Q: Dr. Jett, what is with that little shudder I get at the end whenever I pee? Do I have cancer?

A: Yes, you have cancer. Or not. Probably not. I do know that some of you out there probably don’t know what we’re talking about, but I’ve experienced this as well so it must be totally normal, right?

This seems to be a condition limited to men, as every time I’ve ever asked a woman if she gets a little shudder or cold chill right at the end of her pee she looks at me as if I’ve just asked if I could fuck her cat. Perhaps I should stop asking strangers in line at the grocery store.

At any rate, it seems that most all of us experience this at some time, but some people take little or no notice of it. Most often it occurs when you really have to pee badly and expel a heroic volume of urine. It’s just a little involuntary shake like a cold chill. Which may in fact be what it is, because I have yet to discover in my perusal of source material any medical reference to this condition. I guess most doctors are working on “sexier” problems such as AIDS and impotence; they don’t have time for my “cold-chill pee” experiments, bunch of philistines.

I’ve only heard guesses as to why this happens, and it was the assumption that I’ve made myself: Whenever you pee you’re releasing a large amount of heat in the urine, and the body wants to hold onto that so it gives a little shudder in an effort to stop it. Not only do shudders generate heat from muscle constriction, but it squeezes veins and capillaries away from the skin to retain heat. Sounds pretty good, right?

I bet it’s embarrassing if you’re giving someone a “golden shower”, though.

That's a 4-person portable urinal in The Netherlands. Drafty.

P.S. The technical term for a “golden shower” fetish is Urolagnia. It’s very powerful word on the Scrabble board.