World’s Oldest Vagina Retired

1/29/07


The world’s oldest woman died Sunday night in Connecticut at the ripe old age of 114. Squeezed out of her mother’s womb on November 22, 1892, her name was Emma Faust Tillman, and she was the daughter of former slaves, witnessed 21 U.S. presidencies, and had a lifespan that stretched over 3 centuries. Emma only held the world record as “World’s Oldest Living Person” for 4 days, and has now been replaced by Yone Minagawa of Fukuoka, Japan, born January 4, 1893.

Emma lived on her own until the staggering age of 110 when, I guess, she no longer had the strength to poke with a fork those relatives attempting to cart her desiccated old carcass off to the old folk’s home. Apparently Emma never smoked or drank and was powerfully religious; seeing as I am zero for three on that score, I doubt I’ll be threatening Emma’s record for tenure on this planet. I heard she was still lucid most of the time up until her death, and enjoyed many engaging hobbies such as explaining where things didn’t used to be, and complaining about how much things cost nowadays.

The oldest person ever fully documented was Jeanne Louise Calment (2/21/1875-8/4/1997) out of France, whose ticket got punched when she was a mind-numbing 122 years old. Jeanne makes even me look practically bed-ridden, as the old broad took up fencing at age 85 (in case of pirate attack, I guess) and could still ride a bicycle when her odometer rolled over 100. I doubt I could even ride a bicycle more than 100 yards now without a few sips off an oxygen tank.

What’s really interesting about the humans that God seemingly forgot is that, despite the fact that our average life spans are getting longer, our maximum life span isn’t increasing. By that I mean that overall we’re living longer lives through medical breakthroughs such as not using leaches to treat pneumonia, and healthier eating habits, but throughout recorded history the oldest of us have been in the 110-119 range. It’s possible our feeble little chassis just can’t manage longer than that without turning to powder. But we’re by no means the most ancient-lived animals on this little blue marble. The longest-lived vertebrates on this little blue marble include tortoises and whales, the records being 193 for a Galapagos Island tortoise and 210 years for a Bowhead Whale. If you eliminate the “backbone” category, coral and shellfish can live much longer. An Icelandic Cyprine mollusk finally gave up the ghost after 374 trips ‘round the Sun.

For a complete list of the oldest humans on record since 1955, when Guinness started keeping such stats, check out the Wikipedia article here.

I’m sure a great many of you out there are scrunching up your still-taught faces and saying, “Well I don’t want to live that long, good God.” For those of you who belong to this camp, I simply cannot understand your philosophy. I can only guess you’ll be singing a different tune when Death himself is breathing his fetid breath upon your craggy old neck. Hell, I’d sign up for immortality if I could; there’s just so much to do here! Yeah, yeah, you watch friends and family die, boo-hoo. I’d gladly watch the Grim Reaper pick off my nearest and dearest if it means I can stop a bullet with my face and be right as rain in time for lunch. Between cancer and being The Highlander, I’ll take the latter, thanks.

There can be only one.