Salutations and welcome to the beginning of another arbitrary year, dear readers! These long holiday weekends have gotten your friendly, neighborhood reporter a bit lazy, it seems, and so I’m sort of trying to ease back into it slowly, like a bear just rising from her winter torpor. In the vein of finding things which are easy to make fun of, today we go to everyone’s favorite go-to guy for crazy God shit, Pat “Leg Press” Robertson.For those of you not fortunate enough to flip past “The 700 Club” while looking for soft-core cable porn, Pat Robertson is the evangelist extraordinaire who claims to not only leg-press a literal ton, but has a direct line to God Almighty. And if that’s true, ladies and gentlemen, one of two other things is also true: either God is a psychotic, raving lunatic, or Pat Robertson is the worst player of that “Telephone” game to ever live. (Check out my previous post about old Patty for some of his greatest hits)
The turning of the new year always brings out predictions for the upcoming days and once again Pat has released news for 2007, presumably directly from the horse’s mouth. The horse in this case being the big G. Robertson isn’t afraid of the “big sell,” either. I suppose after convincing millions of people across the world to send you money because you can heal their hemorrhoids through the television set, prognosticating a massive terrorist attack in late 2007 is just another day at the office. What sort of attack? Well…"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear…The Lord didn't say
nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
Pat went on to say that this will be a “mass killing,” sometime after September. So, y’know, don’t worry too much about saving up for Christmas presents this year, odds are you’ll have a lot less loved ones to buy for. Non-radioactive loved ones, that is. But don’t lose heart, fellow travelers; Pat’s track record on these things ranks right up there with using a Magic 8 Ball, even when he’s being deliberately vague. Here are a few of his past predictions:
2006: “If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms.”
2005: “The Lord has some very encouraging news for George Bush…Bush is now positioned to have victory after victory and his second term is going to be one of triumph…He will have Social Security reform passed, that he will have tax reform passed… and that basically he is positioned for a series of dramatic victories.”
2004: “I think George Bush is going to win in a walk…I really believe I’m hearing from the Lord it’s going to be like a blowout election in 2004…The Lord has just blessed him.”
So, yeah…don’t rush out and get your “Patriot Pack” emergency kits full of duct tape, plastic wrap and cyanide capsules just yet. I do wish Pat would do us the courtesy of wrapping a towel around his head and rub a crystal ball when he says shit like this; if I’m going to listen to bullshit at least give me a show, Robertson. Pat Robertson, ladies and gentlemen; what a crazy fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment