Normally the following story would be relegated to the pages of a bad romance novel, which is why it’s so hilariously interesting whenever things like this happen in real life. Forty-three year old astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was released on $15,500 bail yesterday, on the condition that she not try to contact the woman with whom she allegedly attempted to kidnap. Nowak is charged with attempted burglary, attempted kidnapping, destruction of evidence and battery. What sparked this bizarre, rocket-fueled crime? A love triangle, of course!Nowak is a married mother of three who drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, in disguise, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, to throw down with her romantic rival U.S. Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, over Navy Commander William Oefelein (pictured below) who is also an astronaut. The two space jockeys trained together and both flew in shuttle missions for the first time last year, though never together. But let me tell you, when you vomit in front of someone after being spun around in a huge chair for fifteen minutes, romance is almost guaranteed to flower. Splitting a package of freeze-dried ice cream is like Spanish Fly, brother.
After the cross-country trek in a tan trench coat and black wig like something out of film noir, Nowak followed Shipman’s car to a parking lot. After slapping on the car window like a homeless lunatic, Nowak burst into tears and asked for a ride. Shipman, who may not be the smartest tack, rolled down the window and Nowak treated her to a face full of pepper spray. Shipman drove off…somehow, and called the police. The BB gun and spray wasn’t all Nowak brought with her, either. No, this watched-Fatal Attraction-too-many-times broad came prepared! The police found a steel mallet, black gloves, rubber tubing and plastic garbage bags as Nowak attempted to dump them into a garbage can. All she was missing for a full-on murder kit was a shovel and bag of lye. But it gets better! In her car the cops found latex gloves, handwritten directions to Shipman’s house, and diapers. Yep. Because you see, when driving 900 miles to stalk and assault the possible lover of your extra-marital affair, you don’t want to be stopping to urinate.
For the record, that’s a married astronaut driving across country with a junior-felon grab bag of weaponry, to assault an Air Force Captain because they’re both in love with another astronaut. I wish I would have thought of this for a short story.According to NASA, this is the only time an astronaut on active duty has been charged with a felony. If convicted Nowak could face up to life in prison for kidnapping under Florida law. She won’t get that stiff a sentence, I expect. If nothing else, even someone murdering and eating babies would probably get off light if they were wearing diapers at the time. I think that’s called the “poopy-pants defense.”
Sources: Wikipedia – Nowak and Oefelein
Forbes.com – Astronaut Charged with Attempted Kidnapping
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