Hallmark of the Beast

12/15/06


I don't get holiday cards. I don't mean that I don't receive them; I mean I don't precisely understand the sort of mass mental illness which causes people to send them to me. What are people thinking when they send these things out? And are there any humans out there so terminally starved for whatever minimal contact a thin piece of cardboard can impart that they actually like getting holiday cards? Or cards in general, for that matter. It never fails that whenever the high holidays roll around I hear twelve or thirteen (usually unwed, middle-aged) women in my office maligning over the fact that they're "so behind on Christmas cards this year, and oh it's just going to take me all weekend to finish writing them," or some such nonsense. I mean, hey, there are people who have no place to live and nothing to eat this year, but yeah, you climb up on that cross because you have to affix a few stamps, Delores.

Just what the devil am I supposed to do with this marginally coherent paper greeting? Anyone who lives with fewer than five animals always thinks the same thing when they get a card: "Hmm…I wonder how long I have to hold onto this before I can just throw it away." Is there something that a cartoon snowman/Santa/Christmas tree/Jesus can impart about your feelings to me that a six minute phone call would not? Okay, honestly it'll probably be more like a twenty-second message you leave on my voicemail because I don't like to answer the phone, but still; less work for you, you ink-stained lunatic! If you're going to force me to open and pretend to read your card, at least consider affixing a photo showing, at minimum, a little nipple.


And why in the name of sweet, dancing Moses am I getting these from coworkers? Hey, we've spoken a total of eight sentences to each other this year; here's a slab of wood pulp with some malarkey about sledding and forgiveness! Take some Prozac, would you Phyllis? Greeting cards are like one step above mailing someone a fortune cookie. But at least with those I have something to eat while I read poorly constructed aphorisms. Let's stop all the madness, shall we? Oh, unless you're sending money or something else which can be exchanged for goods and services; that is a legitimate use of a greeting card. Otherwise, please save me the trouble and just throw the card away yourself.

Thank you for your kind attention.