The Devil is in the Disney

2/2/08

Sometimes you look at the current incarnation of a company and think, “Oh, if only its creator could see it now, he’d be spinning in his grave.” Wal-Mart, for instance. Sam Walton was a down-to-earth businessman who believed in uplifting the common worker, sharing the wealth, and, you know, treating people fairly. If Walton could see the demonic, spirit-crushing juggernaut his creation has become today the spinning would be so intense he’d most likely escape into orbit.

That’s really the only example I can think of offhand, as it seems much easier to imagine business moguls who would be pretty much fine with the way their particular economic horror shows are being run today. Henry Ford springs to mind. Henry was, as you may have heard, a bit of a dick. Sure the production genius best implemented* the large-scale assembly line, which has directly led to the mass production of tons of really bad, cheap crap today, but he also was fervently anti-union, a rampant anti-Semitic, and I’m pretty sure one time he ate a baby. But it was a China-baby, so it’s okay.

Disney is another one of these mega-corporations that began with a brilliant douchebag at the helm. Walt Disney fostered a feeling of anti-Semitism at his studio (why were people back then so afraid of brisket and dreidels?) and may or may not have been a Nazi sympathizer. Also, he was under the distinctly rich-person-mentality that the “camaraderie” of his studios compensation for the fact he paid his animators less than other companies. Walt pointed to an animator’s strike as evidence of the “growing Communist conspiracy” in the United States.

And ever since Walt’s death in 1966, Disney has moved ever closer to realizing Walt’s dream of bringing joy to people through charging them out the ass for their shit, and if you can corn-hole a few of ‘em on the way, so much the better! I need not point out their King Midas style admission and toy prices, but what the hell is with this malarkey where Disney videos are on sale for like three minutes and then “go back into the Disney vault” only to be re-released in year or two for another round of hoarding? It would be like J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury publishing 50,000 Harry Potter books only to say, “Sorry, poor kids! Good luck finding a copy! Maybe if your parents stop buying food next Christmas when we print another 25 copies of the Sorcerer’s Stone, you too can be happy!” It’s not illegal, but it is a shit-heel way to run a business, rather like China’s artificial suppression of its currency, Disney manipulates the market for bigger profits. But today I heard the most callous, ass-way the demons at Disney have come up with to fleece parents and turn children into fit-throwing dictators who identify a parent’s love with their willingness to open their wallet.

Miley Cyrus, who has changed her name more times than Prince, and plays Hanna Montana on the wildly popular Disney show, recently wrapped her concert “Hanna Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds.” A concert title much more appropriate for hermaphroditic porn. In the concert the disturbingly attractive daughter of one-hit-wonder Billy Ray Cyrus plays both herself and her Hanna Montana character…which totally isn’t weird at all. Right. The show was so successful Disney has decided to launch a 3-D movie version. Now, this isn’t your Jaws 3 or Friday the 13th 3D, either; this is like one step removed from virtual reality. U2 is releasing a concert in this medium as well. From all accounts it’s supposed to be truly mind-blowing; like you’re right there with Hanna, if that’s your bag. The beauty about this is that kids who couldn’t get tickets to the live show, either because of time constraints or cost prohibitions, can now go watch it on the big screen and get at least a sense of what it was like. Or, that would be the case if Disney weren’t the corporate equivalent of pure, capitalist evil.

Disney has announced that this movie release will only run from tomorrow, February 2nd, through next Friday, February 08. Oh, and most of the timeslots are sold out. And, naturally, scalpers are now charging cocaine prices to parents unequipped to explain corporate evil and greed to their 4th-grader. It’s a movie, okay? It’s a fucking movie, Disney! It’s not like Hanna herself is up there running around, you monsters; it’s celluloid! What conceivable reason other than bowing to the forces of Satan could Disney have for putting a timetable on this movie?

Man…just…fuck you, Disney.



*Henry Ford did not invent the assembly line. Nobody “invented” the assembly line. Ford was just the first one to put in a moving conveyor belt in 1913, thus best improving the process. In truth, it would be more accurate to say Ransom E. Olds (Olds Motor Vehicle Co) had the first assembly line in 1901. Ford just made it faster, more convenient, and mobile. Ford’s greatest genius was listening to very, very smart people.


Sources:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=18599173
http://www.news-tribune.net/features/cnhinspopculture_story_031103453.html?keyword=topstory