One Person’s Junk…

1/10/07

Whenever shopping for gifts for the other human beings in my life more oft than not I’ll go to flea markets than brave the MTV of retail which is The Mall. I just find that picking out something with an actual history to it, which may be a one-of-a-kind present for my friends and family has a bit more feeling than the mass-produced cookie-cutter products from major department stores. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, of course; sometimes you’re out for a specific gift and, let’s be honest, when shopping at an antique store it’s pretty hit-and-miss as to whether you’re going to find something worthwhile, or perhaps come back and wrap up a metal pencil sharpener from the Eisenhower administration. I myself have a hard time getting out of a Macy’s Culinary Department without ruining the interior of my pants with delight.

But for ambiance nothing can match a good old fashioned flea market. The best part of the whole experience is that you get to see some really bizarre shit which could only be purchased for someone you either never want to see again, or want to creep out beyond all repair. In the spirit of crazy-ass presents to give your loved ones, I bring you a photo show of some of the strangest stuff I saw this shopping season.

(Click on pics to Super Size 'em!)




What Is It?

Do you know? Can you tell me what this monstrosity is supposed to be? It stands about 5 feet tall and looks like a lamp but has no port for a light bulb. My other guess was a really dangerous sprinkler, given the weird spike-things sticking out of its sexy little hourglass middle. I don’t know what this is, but I was harshly tempted to buy it just to find out. I think Hanni would have been less than pleased were I to spend $30 for the world’s largest paperweight.















Gamble of a Lifetime

Hands-down my favorite thing to look through at the flea markets is the enormous bin of movies that seems to be in almost every aisle. This one was far and away my favorite. Just in case you didn’t notice, here’s why:











“For Brad” is what that says, ladies and gentlemen. Is it an episode of Veggie Tales or down-home amateur porn? Who knows! Spend the quarter and take the ride, m’man.












Culinary Hints from the Space Age

There is probably no recent invention so simultaneously useless and essential in the kitchen as The Microwave. I find that our atom-exiting friend completely vital when defrosting something quickly, or heating up leftovers. Other than that, it’s pretty much just food-encrusted window dressing. I mean, unless you like your food to come out rubbery with the color of something that has sat on the ocean floor for several decades, you’re not really using the nuke box to cook your food. This wasn’t always so, it seems, as not a single flea market contains no less than forty “Microwave Cookbooks.” Except that they’re called “Radio-Range” or “Electronic Oven” cookbooks, because it took less time for the common name for these appliances to emerge than it did for housewives of the 60’s and 70’s to figure out cooking in the microwave was gross.

MMMmmmm…soggy, gray steak! Thanks, Mom, but I think I’ll just have an aspirin and suck on the wrappers from the local fast food dumpster.




Why Would You Do That?

Sometimes the things in the booths are so strange you just can’t imagine why a just supreme being would allow them to exist. As proof I offer you the creepiest doll in the universe. Why would you make a rag doll with real, human, cut-out eyes? I’m not sure, but if you can’t find that perfect gift for the woman you’re stalking, this is the winner.













A Touch of the Perverse

Even if you aren’t possessed of a mind which is constantly finding the dirty sexiness inherent in every single aspect of human life such as mine, I challenge you to not see the hot, wet undertones in these items.


















Agent Orange

I want this coat. Florescent orange leather with matching gloves? How can you lose?
















Following Directions

It’s so hard to find good help these days. And if you’ve seen the proprietors of many flea markets, you understand what I mean. Only carnies can top the “antique store” employee for sheer creepiness.









Chain Store Hilarity

It’s usually impossible to find everything you’re looking for at a flea market. I very much doubt if my 5-year-old niece would jump up and down over a crab-shaped ashtray or a lighted “Pabst” sign. My sojourn to Toys ‘R Us turned up the following.

It’s pretty much impossible to avoid gender-specific presents, though the situation seems to be getting better. I like the caption on this vacuum that says “Just like Mom and Dad’s!” Sort of feels forced when they repeat it twice like that, huh? What they don’t say is that Dad bought it for Mom so she could do some goddamn work around the house while drinking tequila and eating bon-bons all day long. He wouldn’t have to hit her if she did what she told her.













Did you miss why this one was funny? Take a closer look at the disclaimer.










“Also, do not play with or pick up dolls.”















Well that’s all for today, ladies and gentlemen. If you’ll excuse me, I think the Nyquil PM I took with a magnum of whiskey is starting to kick in, so I have to take me a lay-down. Adieu.